The Clone Wars Review: The Academy

Su cuy'gar, everyone. Instead of my normal greeting, I have a question.

When did Star Wars: The Clone Wars go from the coolest show on television to the most boring?

The answer? When Season 3 hit Mandalore.

I don't want to do this, hence the review coming RIGHT before the new Clone Wars episode is set to debut. But, "weekly" means "any time before the new episode premeres" so I gotta do this.

Man, this is gonna suck.

No, Luke. I am your SPOILERS!

So, we're back on Mandalore. Ahsoka and Anakin are flying there via Imperial Shuttle Prototype #3 (Which, despite not being the Twilight (the most unfortunately-named ship in the galaxy), manages to have its interior) Also, I notice they play a few bars of Ahsoka's Theme (Heard in the original Clone Wars film) as the ship flies in to the city. Nice touch.

Anyhoo, Anakin, charmer that he is, kisses Satine's hand (Oh you masher.) and presents her padawan. However, Anakin will not be staying, 'cuz he's got more interesting things to do than this stupid episode. Ahsoka meets up with a few of her students and takes her lightsaber (Because Mandalore is wimpy), Rex wisely tells Anakin to bow out before the episode drags on to total drivel, and Ahsoka heads to start teaching.

And apparently nobody on Mandalore knows the definition of the word "corruption" (Despite the fact that you could play a drinking game this trilogy of episodes every time someone utters the word, although said game has been known to kill people) because Ahsoka teaches them what it means.

New Mandalorians are idiots, who knew.

After class, the small group of students met earlier are hanging out in... the student lounge, I guess, I dunno, and are complaining about a food shortage. After some padding conversation they go to investigate. (Hehe, Arsoka)

To the warehouse district!

One of the students hacks the warehouse door really easily with a laptop, they all hop in, sneak around, quote Han Solo, and find some guys, and listen to them talking seedily. They record it using holocam, drop their laptop, and, of course, like idiots, reveal themselves. They try to escape, guards chase them, overly melodramatic chase scene, one of the kids gets caught but gets away when another one closes the door. The seedy-looking leader of the shady individuals picks up the laptop in question and we cut to commercial.

I order you all to take a pee break.

Anyway, the kids head back to the lounge, and determine that this is "bigger than we thought". OH REALLY. Seedy policemen dealing with blackmarket offworlders isn't IN YOUR LEAGUE?

Little shabla morons.

So it turns out one of the little brats is related to Satine, and they go to tell her about it. So ignoring all the padding, they tell her, and she Satine says that she'll take care of it. Hilariously, when she says "There'll be time to save the world when you're a bit older." I am reminded of a Dexter's Lab episode "Old Man Dexter", which I would much rather be watching than this crap.

Anyhoo. Padding padding padding, they talk to the Prime Minister with purple eyes. He says to meet them late at night with nobody around and to bring everybody aware of it along with the recording.

Do I even have to say it?

Anyway, it turns out these kids are COMPLETE idiots as when Ahsoka asks what's going on, they blatantly state they broke into the warehouse to do some snooping around. Ahsoka talks with them to pad out the length of the episode, and the super annoying bell rings and class is over. That night, they head to the plaza and are trapped. 'Cuz, y'know, it's a trap. The Secret Service goes to arrest them for "treason, conspiracy and corruption", and Ahsoka saves their wimpy non-Mando hides. They deduce that Satine's in danger and head down to her reidence... turns out she's been kidnapped.

Big... flippin'... surprise.

So they go down to the Prime Minister, and Ahsoka gets the kids arrested. And I laugh. So they go to prison and the Minister (no surprise) won't tell Ahsoka where Satine is, and he goes off to make a public statement while Ahsoka makes a funny face. She goes to "interrogate" the prisoners, talk privately in the cell, and continue with the plan. Ahsoka uses a mind trick on a guard to take her to Satine, where she is being held in a high-security vault. Mind trick again, she gets Satine down, yadda yadda yadda. Satine quotes Ackbar (I'd use the image again, but I risk being stale in overusing jokes) and it turns out she wasn't actually tricking the man, he was just acting. (To great effect, I loved that part.) 

Ahsoka (Hehe, Arsoka) is stunned, the kids sit in the cell. The minister tries to get Satine to sign a confession, some stuff is said, and a shock collar is put on Satine.

Aaand cue the part of the episode I've been waiting for since Satine's debut.

"I would rather die than sign your confession!"

"That can be arranged."
YES PRIME MINISTER THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Anyway, the Prime Minister has his contractually-obligated evil speech, and it turns out HE established the black market due to lack of viable trade routes to get commerce from, even though BEFORE this they were doing fine.

I... I gotta agree with Ahsoka on this, that's... pretty stupid.

They bring the kids to where all this is going down, one of the kids almost gets the shock collar, and Ahsoka picks a good time to conveniently break free. I love what the cadets do here when they're freed, they just kind of flop on the guards like fish. Fight scene happens, blah blah blah (I swear, these just keep getting more and more boring, these fights) and a shock collar gets on the Prime Minister, and he calls off the whole fight. Satine mentions how she didn't bring Ahsoka there to teach as they put away the Prime Minister.

The next morning, it's time for Ahsoka to leave, Anakin picks her up from school (Haha) and they talk about how it was risky but Anakin would have done the same, yadda yadda, roll the credits. 

Wait, did something happen? No, we just wasted a good 22 minutes, not counting commercials. Why? BECAUSE THE WRITERS OF THIS SHOW FORGOT WHAT MADE THE CLONE WARS COOL IN THE FIRST PLACE, WHICH WAS THE ACTUAL CLONE WARS.

So how does this one stack up?

So enter another episode in a long and ever-growing list of boring, pointless episodes that go nowhere and do little more than make me question my fandom. Oh well, it's really too bad, I was expecting a HECK of a lot more from Season 3, SECRETS REVEALED. Y'know, now that I think about it, I don't think anything WAS revealed so far. Like, at all. I'd foreshadow the next episode, but I'm watching it right now! Sorry if I sound rushed at the end here, but I'm watching the boringness right now! K'oyaci!