Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Clone Wars Review: Evil Plans

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Star Wars: The Clone Wars review.

Season 3 makes me sad. I was expecting a really action-packed, thrilling, gripping, war-rife season of The Clone Wars that asked tough questions and brought up uncomfortable truths, striking at the heart of the Republic and the Jedi and bringing the galaxy closer to its downfall. Now, what have we gotten so far?

A really awesome season premiere, one good episode, and lots and lots of filler.

And somehow Lucas and Filoni thought this would be entertaining for some reason.

What makes you think I know.

So! Another Friday, another Clone Wars. And, for all our suspenseful two weeks of waiting do we get? More filler. Seriously, this show has more filler than MS Paint Masterpieces.

So, let's not waste any more time, the show has done enough of that for the entire Outer Rim. Let's dive right into Evil Plans!

I sense a disturbance in the SPOILERS!

So the opening narration tells us Cad Bane has been hired by Jabba the Hutt to do something awful that we do not know about, and we begin the episode with Padme preparing for a party.

Isn't there a Clone War going on? Y'know, with Jedi and clone troopers on the front lines, fighting and dying for liberty from the evil Separatists? Isn't that, I dunno... the title of the show?

You'd think that'd serve as a constant reminder to the creative team as to WHAT THE SHOW SHOULD FRELLING BE ABOUT.

Anyway, Padme is fretting and Anakin is all "Stop worrying", but it turns out the garnish for a cake is missing.

The more of this review I write, the more I realize how incredibly stupid this episode is when we could be getting real Clone Wars. I want to cry now.

So Anakin sends Artoo and Threepio to go get some. (As a side note, I do like that this is a droid-centric episode, as A. It could be a lot worse, it could be ruining Mandalore. and B. I love Anthony Daniels.) So while they wander the streets of Coruscant, Cad Bane is spying on the two of them, determining that C-3PO is the target, and sends Todo 360 (Who... got... blown up in Hostage Crisis... GAH CONTINUITY HEADAAACCHHHEEE) to "do his job". So 3PO haggles with this fruit dealer, who says that four fruit will cost four credits... each. 3PO hands over 16 credits, but the guy apparently meant 32. 3PO then proceeds to fill in the educational quota of the episode and teach some math, but the dealer won't have any of it.

Yawn. I'm bored. Wake me when the episode gets interesting.

So Todo 360 tries to convince R2 and 3PO to get some fixin' uppin', and R2 runs off, much to the frustration of 3PO, who Todo shoves in a speeder and takes off.

Seriously! What delusion are Lucas and Filoni under to think that we would find this entertaining?! There is a galaxy-wide WAR going on and the best plot they could think of is "R2 and 3PO go grocery shopping"?! Why?! This isn't entertaining, this is mindless drivel! This is boring! This is stupid!


So 3PO gets kidnapped and R2 goes to this droid sp- Wait, they just called it Droid Spa.

I do so love it when the show makes the jokes for me.

And 3PO meets Cad Bane, who shoves him in another speeder and takes him away, while R2 is sitting in a droid hot tub. Commercial break.

So Cad Bane begins to plug wires into C-3PO. While R2 continues getting his droid massage, we cut to C-3PO getting tortured with electricity, which is continually juxtaposed by R2's getting overly pampered. Seriously, I'm dozing off at this point.

Turns out Cad Bane is looking for plans to the senate building that C-3PO does not have in his memory. 3PO slips out that R2 is generally used for that sort of thing, and Bane dispatches Todo and an IG droid to look for R2. They find him quickly, but R2 evades them and bolts down an alley. IG and Todo look for him, but find nothing. As Cad Bane continues to needlessly torture C-3PO, Todo remarks that R2 is not around. He continues on to say that he'll destroy 3PO until he gets the information, and R2 lets himself be found, 'cuz he loves his gold buddy.

3... 2... 1... Awwwwww.

Anyway, returning from commercials that are infinitely dumber (yet more entertaining) than this episode, Cad Bane hooks up R2-D2 to the same device 3PO was on, and gets the plans for the senate building, planning to dump the two on the streets after wiping their memories of the day's events.

Meanwhile, back at the party, Padme is greeting people and DEAR LORD HER HAIR. Is that her hair or did she take to wearing a dead animal as a hat? She whispers to Anakin (Why is he there? Wouldn't a Jedi in a Senator's apartment arouse some kind of suspicion that they might be... involved?) that she doesn't know where 3PO is.

So Todo and the IG droid remove the restraining bolts from R2 and 3PO, dump them into the streets, where they pick up the fruit (which nobody's picked up off the street, how convenient) and head back home.

Cut to Tatooine where interesting things are happening. Cad Bane hands the plans over to Jabba, who hands him a stereotypical suitcase full of money, and says he needs more assistance. Jabba talks to the Hutt council (From the five Hutt Clans), and confers with them about rescuing Ziro. (So I guess they're trying to pass off that Hostage Crisis takes place after the events of this episode, and before the events of the next.) They decide to bust out Ziro, and Bane says that he'll take the job on.

But wait! We're forgetting the most important part of the episode!


Well, in true stereotypical storytelling fashion, the two appear at the last possible moment, where it turns out Anakin is a complete moron as he's not really worried about the fact that the droids can't remember for the life of him where he's been, nor is Padme. And I will admit, one of the most amusing things about the episode happens here, because when the rabbit droids all finish the cake, they go "Yaaaay!" It's rather amusing.

And the episode ends with the oh-so-important cake being finished, and Padme telling 3PO he did a magnificent job, about which he will not shut up. YAAAY THE CAKE IS A LIE!

Roll the credits! Show us Quinlan Vos and Ziro and Cad Bane! Maybe the next one will be good, eh?

Anyway! Episode's over, and how does it hold up?

Meh. It's all right. I'm just really sick of all the stupid, boring filler that tells parts of the story nobody needs to know and is uninteresting. In addition, there's a few stupid things that are overlooked due to poor storytelling. Namely:

1. Why wouldn't Bane know which droid was holding the plans? I mean, sure, there's a chance they could have hidden it in 3PO for safekeeping, but protocol droids aren't used as glorified walking USB drives, everyone knows that. They're used for "etiquette and protocol", not for storing... well, anything, really. And second, if he DIDN'T know, why didn't he just take both droids?

2. Why does R2 have the plans for the Senate building inside him anyway?

3. Early on, 3PO drops the fruit, which is apparently at least semi-valuable. Why doesn't someone pick it up?

4. Why does Bane need to zap droids to get info out of them?

5. Why isn't Anakin worried that 3PO doesn't know where he's been all day?! For all he knows, the two could have been captured or- OH WAIT THEY WERE.

On a side note, it's nice to know that glasses exist in Star Wars now. I saw an Ithorian with them in this episode.

Anyway, while it was nice to get R2 and 3PO back together for this episode for some great dynamic we haven't seen in a while, this filler was just kinda boring. Here's hoping next week's is better.

Until next time, k'oyaci!


  1. I actually missed this episode. Now I'm glad I didn't see it!

    Seriously, you put Cad Bane in an episode and somehow it's boring. That takes some serious anti-talent.

  2. I could faintly hear a rim-shot in just about every paragraph (and was just WAITING for that Portal reference).

  3. Kandosii! Well done Ner vod couldn't have said it better myself.