Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Clone Wars Review: Hunt for Ziro.

Su cuy'gar, everyone! I hate Ziro the Hutt!

A lot.

And really, who actually LIKES this character? He's a sexually ambiguous hutt with an annoying voice, serves no purpose, and wastes a REALLY cool name. What if I wanted to name a fancharacter Ziro? I couldn't, 'cuz the fanbase would be all "Oh, like that annoying purple people eater hutt?" Ziro needs to die.

Aaaand that's where this episode comes in! Again, a mediocre work. Granted, it's better than the other garbage this show's been throwing at is (IGN has given each of them at least a "passable", for video game reviewers they are WAY too nice to this show.), but it takes all the boring and replaces it with bizzare, weird and disgusting.

Y'know, for kids!

And while I do appreciate the fact that this show is willing to go to "darker" areas, that only works if the episode is any good. Is it? Well, I'll let you judge for yourself.

As if millions of voices cried out in terror... and were suddenly SPOILERS!

So, in case you didn't see the onslaught of advertising for this episode, Quinlan Vos finally makes his debut in this show!

Now before we go any further I need to say I know nothing about Quinlan Vos except that he was kind of a jerk in the comics, turned to the dark side at one point and survived Order 66 on Kashyyyk. So my assessment of his character is going to be fairly unbiased going in to this episode, seeing as how I don't know if he's faithful to his source material or not. So if you hate him, go ahead, you probably have your reasons that I am not aware of, since I barely read the comics anyway.

So Tom Kane fills us in on the events of Hostage Crisis, putting things back into timeline perspective and showing the Coruscant Guard doing their jobs for once (In recap form, of course. New material with cool characters would be silly!) Obi-Wan and Quinlan Vos are on the case, and we cut to Nal Hutta, where the Five Hutt Families are trying to figure out what to do with Ziro. This is a rather interesting conversation, if only because we don't entirely know what the Hutts are saying, we only know that through what Ziro is saying. But really, I gotta ask- Why not subtitle the Hutts' speech? It'd make Ziro's dialogue in this scene less stilted and forced. He has to repeat everything the Hutts say so the audience knows what's going on. It's determined Ziro needs to be kept alive because he holds highly sensitive information in his memory.

Cut to a landing pad on Coruscant, where Obi-Wan is troubled. Cody picks up on this, with Obi-Wan responding that Quinlan Vos has that effect. His ship arrives after a little dialogue, and Vos leaps off the Larty and sticks the landing, complementing Commander Cody and telling Obi he looks "worse for wear". He asks "how's temple life", only to receive a glower from the Jedi Master.

"Good to see you too."

So Vos and Kenobi discuss the mission and board the shuttle, heading to Nal Hutta... without Cody.

Yeah, sure, leave the coolest character in this episode behind, that'll go over well with the fans.

So, we return to Nal Hutta, where... What the HELL?!

The Hutts are watching Avatar extra rejects in ridiculous headwear dance around, and- WHOA SY SNOOTLES, where did you come from.

Okay... So... after that... BIZZARE bit of Hutt... um, ENTERTAINMENT... Sy Snootles goes to Ziro's cell, and... wait, Sy is Ziro's girlfriend?! WHAT THE HELL?!


My mind, she is broken. Help.

Okay, I need to step back and ask- WHY was this necessary?! I mean, REALLY? This concept has an ungodly amount of disgusting, 'cuz, y'know, it's SY SNOOTLES AND ZIRO THE HUTT, two of the most REPULSIVE CREATURES IN THE GALAXY. Together. I don't even want to KNOW how they- UUUGGGHHHHHHHH.

Hey, new credo- Knowledge sucks.

Okay, that scene's FINALLY over. Kenobi and Vos land on Nal-Hutta and are led in by some Gammorean guards. Obi-Wan addresses Gardulla the Hu- Wait, Gardulla?

As in, the Gardulla Jango Fett killed? By shoving into the mouth of a Krayt Dragon?! And then proceeded to KILL said Krayt Dragon?!







 Okay so Obi-Wan and Vos address the Hutts and try to get some info on Ziro. Vos picks up the cup Ziro was drinking from before, and senses that he was there. As the two leave, Vos tells Kenobi. Soooo Vos can use the Force to sense things... relating... to... objects...?

Ah whatever, it's the Force who cares.

HEY LOOK IT'S CAD BANE, THE COOL DUDE. Welcome back, Bane, we missed you.

So Kenobi and Vos find out that Ziro escaped (Big... flippin'... surprise.) Vos thinks he had help (Y'know, 'cuz a half-ton obese slug can totally escape on his own.), and the two run off to find him. When the Hutts find out that Ziro escaped, they think the Jedi did it (Why they think that I will never know), but Bane tells them that Ziro was probably gone way before the Jedi even got there. Of course, the Hutts hire Bane to find Ziro.

Meanwhile, Quinlan Vos is apparently a bloodhound or something because he's trying to track down Ziro with his "tracking skills".

Um, woof woof?

Kenobi comments how this would go faster had they brought a droid (Or, I dunno, specialized clone troopers trained for tracking situations) when a huge eel jumps out of the water and attacks our heroes!

Which is the eel from Episode I... which is not able to breathe on land.


Anyway, they head off to follow Ziro, who goes to a mysterious house in the swamp. Said house contains... a seven-ton hutt that's Ziro's mama.

So what is it with Ziro's family line, anyway, where the males are all femmy and the females are all butch? That's messed up, even by Hutt standards.

Getting back to the episode, Cad Bane and Todo (I guess Bane had a backup Todo for this kind of thing...) are in hot pursuit of Ziro, along with Kenobi and Vos. After a quick commercial break, the two Jedi decide to investigate Ziro's momma's house. Vos is the single least tactful being in the galaxy, apparently, because instead of just walking in the front door, he CHOPS IT TO PIECES AND SHOVES THE PIECES IN. Then he runs into where Ziro's momma is and makes a rude comment about the smell. Momma tells them that Ziro left for Teth, and the Jedi leave.

Meanwhile, on Teth, the single most horrible couple in Star Wars history go graverobbing to find the records this episode has been solely centered around. Sy Snootles picks it up and WHOA PULLS A GUN ON ZIRO. Ziro pleads for his life, but Sy just shots him dead.

Three... two... one...

Bane arrives on Teth with Todo, finding the dead Hutt, mentioning that he hates it when someone does his job. Hey, I'm just glad someone did it in the first place. 

Bane and the Jedi banter a bit, before engaging in what actually is a pretty cool fight scene. I don't like describing fights as it spoils the action and doesn't do them justice, but at one point, Vos is tied by the legs, Bane uses a bunch of his wrist gauntlet gears, and fights Obi-Wan with Vos' lightsaber. It's actually a cool sequence that really shows that even though Bane isn't Force-sensitive, he can hold his own against a pair of Jedi.

Said fight scene is punctuated by a bad pun. Cue collective groan.

Back on Tatooine, Sy is paid by Jabba for getting the records, and the episode kind of just ends there. Roll the credits!

Well, this certainly wasn't a boring episode. Just... kind of... an offensive one. The Hutts are gross enough as it is, then Sy getting involved, and that mother Hutt.. EW EW EW I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER NOW. This would have been a nice change of pace if the rest of the season was good, but really, this is just going too far. Can we PLEASE get back to the Clone Wars already, Filoni? This is just getting boring.

Until next time, k'oyaci!

Commander Ben

1 comment:

  1. You forgot the Hutt boobs, dude! Seriously was I the only one who noticed that? Does Lucas just have this thing for anthropomorphic animal boobs? I mean, first Duck Tales, now this! STOP SCARRING MY MIND, LUCAS!!

    OH and the reason that Vos (who is totally OOC in this, BTW) can do that thing with the cup is because he's a Kiffar. They do this thing called pyschometry where they read "memories" off inanimate objects. This is established in the comics, but not the show. Why? I have no idea. They don't seem to notice that the nine-year-old they're marketing this show towards don't know stuff like that. Morons.