The Clone Wars Review: Evil Plans

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Star Wars: The Clone Wars review.

Season 3 makes me sad. I was expecting a really action-packed, thrilling, gripping, war-rife season of The Clone Wars that asked tough questions and brought up uncomfortable truths, striking at the heart of the Republic and the Jedi and bringing the galaxy closer to its downfall. Now, what have we gotten so far?

A really awesome season premiere, one good episode, and lots and lots of filler.

And somehow Lucas and Filoni thought this would be entertaining for some reason.

What makes you think I know.

So! Another Friday, another Clone Wars. And, for all our suspenseful two weeks of waiting do we get? More filler. Seriously, this show has more filler than MS Paint Masterpieces.

So, let's not waste any more time, the show has done enough of that for the entire Outer Rim. Let's dive right into Evil Plans!

I sense a disturbance in the SPOILERS!

So the opening narration tells us Cad Bane has been hired by Jabba the Hutt to do something awful that we do not know about, and we begin the episode with Padme preparing for a party.

Isn't there a Clone War going on? Y'know, with Jedi and clone troopers on the front lines, fighting and dying for liberty from the evil Separatists? Isn't that, I dunno... the title of the show?

You'd think that'd serve as a constant reminder to the creative team as to WHAT THE SHOW SHOULD FRELLING BE ABOUT.


Anyway, Padme is fretting and Anakin is all "Stop worrying", but it turns out the garnish for a cake is missing.

The more of this review I write, the more I realize how incredibly stupid this episode is when we could be getting real Clone Wars. I want to cry now.

So Anakin sends Artoo and Threepio to go get some. (As a side note, I do like that this is a droid-centric episode, as A. It could be a lot worse, it could be ruining Mandalore. and B. I love Anthony Daniels.) So while they wander the streets of Coruscant, Cad Bane is spying on the two of them, determining that C-3PO is the target, and sends Todo 360 (Who... got... blown up in Hostage Crisis... GAH CONTINUITY HEADAAACCHHHEEE) to "do his job". So 3PO haggles with this fruit dealer, who says that four fruit will cost four credits... each. 3PO hands over 16 credits, but the guy apparently meant 32. 3PO then proceeds to fill in the educational quota of the episode and teach some math, but the dealer won't have any of it.

Yawn. I'm bored. Wake me when the episode gets interesting.


So Todo 360 tries to convince R2 and 3PO to get some fixin' uppin', and R2 runs off, much to the frustration of 3PO, who Todo shoves in a speeder and takes off.

Seriously! What delusion are Lucas and Filoni under to think that we would find this entertaining?! There is a galaxy-wide WAR going on and the best plot they could think of is "R2 and 3PO go grocery shopping"?! Why?! This isn't entertaining, this is mindless drivel! This is boring! This is stupid!

*kick*

So 3PO gets kidnapped and R2 goes to this droid sp- Wait, they just called it Droid Spa.

I do so love it when the show makes the jokes for me.

And 3PO meets Cad Bane, who shoves him in another speeder and takes him away, while R2 is sitting in a droid hot tub. Commercial break.

So Cad Bane begins to plug wires into C-3PO. While R2 continues getting his droid massage, we cut to C-3PO getting tortured with electricity, which is continually juxtaposed by R2's getting overly pampered. Seriously, I'm dozing off at this point.

Turns out Cad Bane is looking for plans to the senate building that C-3PO does not have in his memory. 3PO slips out that R2 is generally used for that sort of thing, and Bane dispatches Todo and an IG droid to look for R2. They find him quickly, but R2 evades them and bolts down an alley. IG and Todo look for him, but find nothing. As Cad Bane continues to needlessly torture C-3PO, Todo remarks that R2 is not around. He continues on to say that he'll destroy 3PO until he gets the information, and R2 lets himself be found, 'cuz he loves his gold buddy.

3... 2... 1... Awwwwww.

Anyway, returning from commercials that are infinitely dumber (yet more entertaining) than this episode, Cad Bane hooks up R2-D2 to the same device 3PO was on, and gets the plans for the senate building, planning to dump the two on the streets after wiping their memories of the day's events.

Meanwhile, back at the party, Padme is greeting people and DEAR LORD HER HAIR. Is that her hair or did she take to wearing a dead animal as a hat? She whispers to Anakin (Why is he there? Wouldn't a Jedi in a Senator's apartment arouse some kind of suspicion that they might be... involved?) that she doesn't know where 3PO is.

So Todo and the IG droid remove the restraining bolts from R2 and 3PO, dump them into the streets, where they pick up the fruit (which nobody's picked up off the street, how convenient) and head back home.

Cut to Tatooine where interesting things are happening. Cad Bane hands the plans over to Jabba, who hands him a stereotypical suitcase full of money, and says he needs more assistance. Jabba talks to the Hutt council (From the five Hutt Clans), and confers with them about rescuing Ziro. (So I guess they're trying to pass off that Hostage Crisis takes place after the events of this episode, and before the events of the next.) They decide to bust out Ziro, and Bane says that he'll take the job on.

But wait! We're forgetting the most important part of the episode!

WHAT ABOUT THE FRUIT CAKE?!

Well, in true stereotypical storytelling fashion, the two appear at the last possible moment, where it turns out Anakin is a complete moron as he's not really worried about the fact that the droids can't remember for the life of him where he's been, nor is Padme. And I will admit, one of the most amusing things about the episode happens here, because when the rabbit droids all finish the cake, they go "Yaaaay!" It's rather amusing.

And the episode ends with the oh-so-important cake being finished, and Padme telling 3PO he did a magnificent job, about which he will not shut up. YAAAY THE CAKE IS A LIE!

Roll the credits! Show us Quinlan Vos and Ziro and Cad Bane! Maybe the next one will be good, eh?

Anyway! Episode's over, and how does it hold up?

Meh. It's all right. I'm just really sick of all the stupid, boring filler that tells parts of the story nobody needs to know and is uninteresting. In addition, there's a few stupid things that are overlooked due to poor storytelling. Namely:

1. Why wouldn't Bane know which droid was holding the plans? I mean, sure, there's a chance they could have hidden it in 3PO for safekeeping, but protocol droids aren't used as glorified walking USB drives, everyone knows that. They're used for "etiquette and protocol", not for storing... well, anything, really. And second, if he DIDN'T know, why didn't he just take both droids?

2. Why does R2 have the plans for the Senate building inside him anyway?

3. Early on, 3PO drops the fruit, which is apparently at least semi-valuable. Why doesn't someone pick it up?

4. Why does Bane need to zap droids to get info out of them?

5. Why isn't Anakin worried that 3PO doesn't know where he's been all day?! For all he knows, the two could have been captured or- OH WAIT THEY WERE.

On a side note, it's nice to know that glasses exist in Star Wars now. I saw an Ithorian with them in this episode.

Anyway, while it was nice to get R2 and 3PO back together for this episode for some great dynamic we haven't seen in a while, this filler was just kinda boring. Here's hoping next week's is better.

Until next time, k'oyaci!

The Clone Wars Review: Assassin

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Star Wars: The Clone Wars review.

So, lemme guess- You think I hate this episode, right? I've bashed on the rest of Season 3 and you bet this isn't gonna be any different. Well... You're right and wrong on that point. This one was just "okay". It was fairly weak, but it was alright. Only problem is it's come in on the tail end of a LOT of not-really-relevant or interesting episodes, so I can't help but yell at the TV to get to the friggin' action already. So, what sort of pointless mediocrity occurs in this one? Well, let's dive right in and find out.

That's no moon... that's a SPOILERS!

So basically this episode is the one we saw in a lot of Season 3 trailers where Ahsoka is having premonitions. Now, I always thought this would have been cool, and whenever I saw those trailers, I thought to myself "Wow, what could she be dreaming about? The death of her master she must prevent? An entire squad of clones being destroyed? The fate of an entire battle, or even a turning point in the Clone War? What?!" And it turns out... she's dreaming about Padme being shot at.

What.

Why. How is that even interesting at all. I mean, we know she LIVES, and we already had this stupid plot device in Revenge of the Sith. There, it worked, 'cuz she was gonna die! Here, it doesn't, because it's just stale and ripped off and disappointing! This had so much potential, but here it's just a wasted filler episode in Season 3. Thanks a lot, Lucas and Filoni.

So she has her first dream with Aurra Sing in it, where she strangles Ahsoka and says "She will die, and there's nothing you can do." So she wakes up and talks to Master Yoda about it. They have a discussion about it, ripping off Anakin's scene in Episode III pretty shamelessly. Cut to the library, where Ahsoka is studying, thumbing through a list of bounty hunters, the starts to doze off, having another dream. This time, Ahsoka is rushing through a hallway, and we see Aurra Sing accept a job to kill Padme, she takes aim, and the dream ends with a blaster shot. Ahsoka determines that Padme is in danger (Gee, what gave you that idea) and heads off the next morning to visit her. She talks about how she's having dreams about Padme dying, and it turns out Padme's going to Alderaan, despite what Ahsoka says. Ahsoka goes off to have another vision, this time a short one of Aurra Sing targeting Padme in a blaster sight. She returns to Yoda again to speak with him, who tells him to choose how to deal with it, telling her "Always in motion is the future, and many possible futures there are."  She ends up going with Padme to Alderaan for "extra security". Commercial break.

Cut to mid-voyage where Ahsoka and Padme are playing that game from A New Hope. It's a nice geek-out moment that this episode has a few of, and it shows the two bonding that the last few episodes with these two has kind of completely forgotten to show us. So at least that had some meaning. Ahsoka talks about how without Anakin, she's a little lacking in confidence. Padme talks about her time as queen in a fairly predictable sequence, that, again, I'm glad is there because really, the whole "Ahsoka and Padme being all chummy" thing makes little sense without. That night, Ahsoka begins to dream AGAIN. This time, her dream is really short, but she wakes up, and Aurra Sing is RIGHT THERE. Gasp. She wakes up again (Dream within a dream thing), and runs to protect Padme, thinking the assassin's inside, but realizes that there's nothing there and walks off.

We FINALLY get to Alderaan and I marvel at how some of the 2D backgrounds behind the buildings are rather elegantly painted. Padme meets up with Bail Organa, who takes her to her quarters. Ahsoka decodes that the plot is moving too slowly and that she needs to have a vision to liven things up. This time the big reveal is the room she's in when she gets shot, and she tells Padme about it. They take her to the conference room, which Ahsoka recognizes that this is the room Padme gets shot at in the dream. Padme asks if in the dream, Aurra Sing succeeds, and Ahsoka replies she's not sure, even though in one dream Padme is clearly dead, and another she clearly gets shot at.

What.

Outside, the two talk more, probably to instill anti-confidence in Ahsoka and pad out the length of the episode. Come time for the conference, Bail is talking, and introduces Padme, who begins to speak. However, trouble is brewing in the air vents (I think, they're tall enough for a Senate Commando to stand comfortably at full height in) as Aurra kills said commando and begins to snap together her sniper rifle. Ahsoka senses something amiss, and tries to stop the assassin by giving her a force shove, but it's too late- Aurra, dressed in Ahnold-style commando makeup, takes the shot, hitting Padme. She fires on Ahsoka, who gives chase, but she gets away, Bail yelling for a medic. Commercial time.

Cut to outside the medical room. The droid comes out.
"It's twins!"
"Wait, what?!"
"Oh, sorry. With all this premonition dreaming crap I thought we were filming Revenge of the Sith in Five Seconds. She's fine. It's just a flesh wound."

Of course, that's not how it REALLY goes down, but how it SHOULD have.

Anyway, I chuckle because of the thinly-veiled Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference ("It was only a flesh wound.") Ahsoka goes in and apologizes, and she and Bail try to convince her to return to Coruscant, Padme decides otherwise, and Ahsoka gets an idea. So the conference starts (again), I pick out an extra that looks like Mario's Princess Daisy from the crowd, and Aurra starts sneaking around. As Padme talks, Aurra sneaks around and it turns out she's wise to Ahsoka's idea, which turns out to be replacing Padme with a droid.

Aurra finds the room Padme is broadcasting her speech from, and tries to take another shot (no pun intended) at killing her, but Ahsoka shows up at the last possible second and deflects the blast, pulling Aurra down from the air vent embarrasingly. Aurra blasts the controls to the door, Aurra tries to kill Padme and blasts Ahsoka in the arm. When she falls, Padme is waiting, blaster on stun, and... well, stuns her. Typho and some Senate Commandos make it into the room, and we cut back to Coruscant where Padme's ship finally docks, surrounded by the Coruscant Guard, and- Wait, what?

The Coruscant Guard is there?!

WHAT THE-

HOW DID-

WHY ARE-

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH DAVE FILONI AND GEORGE LUCAS, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!

I mean, did they JUST REMEMBER at the VERY END of animating this episode that the Coruscant Guard frelling EXISTS?! Why can't you let them EVER DO THEIR JOBS?! Why must some of the coolest characters in the Clone Wars be typecast as frigging EXTRAS?! REALLY?! Heck, Marc Ecko made a SHOCK TROOPER HOODIE!! THAT SHOULD TIP YOU OFF AS TO HOW THEY'RE ACTUALLY WORTH SOMETHING AS CHARACTERS! AND WE KNOW THEY'RE NOT DISSOLVED BECAUSE THEY SHOW UP IN EPISODE III!! USE THE CORUSCANT GUARD, FILONI!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE "CLONE ONLY" EPISODES YOU PROMISED, HUH?! WHAT THE HELL, FILONI!

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

*takes some chill pills and drinks some water* Okay... Continuing the episode, Ahsoka tries to have a vision on the landing platform, about a large, devouring purple shape with bizzare laughter.

So the person who hired Aurra was a one-eyed, one-horned giant purple people-eater. And y'know, it sure looks strange to me.

Heck, maybe THIS is the vision she had.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C_MM9ug2D4

Anakin says how there's a lot of people that want revenge on Padme, but Padme adds that not a lot of them are huge, hungry and purple.

I KNEW IT, THE HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS WANT REVENGE.

Anyway. Anakin and Ahsoka and a Coruscant Guard trooper head to the jail to visit Ziro the Hutt, where Ziro, who I'm not sure is a he or a she (I think this hutt is genderless anyway) where he/she is tricked into admitting that it hired Aurra Sing.

This gives me a continuity headache, because we know at the end of Season 1 that Ziro was busted out of jail, so that means that this episode took place before then, as did the Mandalore episodes, plus the Mandalore story arc from Season 2 and a lot of others, not to mention the film. This places Hostage Crisis (end of Season 1) at the very end of this whole timeline... Errrrggghhhhh. This also means that because Aurra assisted in the plot to free Ziro, she'll have to be freed eventually, too. Or Ziro was locked up again and we just didn't see that, but that's just stupid. I think the writers just forgot that Ziro was freed in Season 1 and brought it back for convenience. Leland Chee is going to have a field day just trying to figure THIS out, much less the entirety of this frelling cartoon.

Thanks, writers. Bang-up job screwing with continuity.

So, that's Assassin! And in the end, how does it fare?

Okay.

By no means is this a strictly "bad" episode, like, say, the recent Mandalore ones were. It really is just that- okay. It's not excellent, nor is it poor. It's filler is what it is. There are a few cool geek-out moments and the fact that Ahsoka is dreaming up premonitions at all is kind of neat. But it's really a huge waste. It's a waste of time, a waste of an episode, and a waste of potential. What really gets on my nerves about this episode are two things, one of which is said wasted potential. These dreams could have been really, REALLY cool, about something really awesome. But instead we get a poor EpIII ripoff nobody wanted. But hey, at least Aurra's still alive, right? (I know she was a shabuir to Boba, but I'm actually starting to like "Babe Fett".) The other thing is that the Coruscant Guard is just there to cocktease us at this point by just being there, like the writers are saying "Hey, want these cool characters with lots of potential for a cool story? Huh? Do ya? Well TOO BAD WE'RE NOT USING THEM."

The more this season drags on the more I get the feeling that the whole season is just filler for the three seconds Delta Squad is in their respective episode.

Filoni, I am disappoint.

Until next time, k'oyaci!

Random Rants: Originality, Dreamworks, and Blue Brainy Dudes

It's really hard to be original these days. Everything's already been done. Aliens, robots, swords, knights, sci-fi, superheroes, zombies, zombie superheroes, etc.


Okay, I made up that last one, but Marvel or DC probably shoehorned zombie Superman into a comic at least once. (I don't know, I don't read comics.)



Anyways, it's impossible to be totally original. If you want to create something with originality, you have to take an existing idea and make it fresh and new, pump it with new ideas, and/or present it in a new way we haven't seen before. By no means is this easy. But by the same token, unoriginality is really easy. Take an existing idea, change the names and faces and maybe a few elements, slap your name on it and call it good.


And no unfairly successful film company has the unoriginality gig down pat quite like Dreamworks Animation. Very few, if any, of their more popular films, are original concepts, mostly drawing off of existing materials. Now, that wouldn't be so bad if they tried to do it in an original manner, and succeeded in doing so. However, I'd like to say that the company does not have a very good track record. Some examples: Antz was a ripoff of a Disney/Pixar film (A Bug's Life) that ended up being released BEFORE the movie it was ripping off. That takes talent. Story behind that incident as follows:
Jeffery Katzenberg left Disney in 1994 to form Dreamworks. According to Katzenberg, the idea for Antz came from a 1994 story pitch by Tim Johnson that was related to Katzenberg in October 1994. However, Disney had been working on developing an ant movie since 1988. Pixar head John Lasseter pitched came from a 1991 story pitch by Tim Johnson A Bug's Life the day Katzenberg left Disney in August 1994, and said he felt "betrayed" when he learned Antz was scheduled for release before A Bug's Life. According to Lasseter and Steve Jobs, Katzenberg offered to stop development of Antz if Disney moved the release date of A Bug's Life, which was coming out opposite Dreamworks' The Prince of Egypt. Pixar refused. The release date of Antz was moved up from March 1999 to October 1998 in response to Disney's refusal. Even though A Bug's Life was the first to be pitched, Antz was finished and released first. A Bug's Life, however, was more profitable.


But enough copy/pasting from Wikipedia. Continuing on about Dreamworks. Their next film was Shrek, which, in my opinion, was merely "okay". It didn't win me over and I didn't find it hilarious, but fantasy satire was entertaining enough for a while. However, it turned out that fantasy setting + fart jokes = comedy gold, because their next film was Shrek 2: We're Gonna Have More Sequels. After that came a Finding Nemo ripoff known as Shark Tale, which wasn't quitesure what it was supposed to be marketed towards. Madagascar was an interesting film, because it wasn't directly based on anything being released at the time, but despite the creative freedom, the film turned out to be an enjoyable mediocre. It was entertaining and marketable in its own right, to be sure, but not a lot of it stood out as exceptional. After that, Dreamworks decided that the "Comic strip movie" was the new cool they had to get in on, so they nabbed license for and churned out a movie very, VERY vaguely based on the somewhat-popular comic Over the Hedge. Now, said comic was about three forest animals commentating on human life. How does that translate into an hour and a half film? Short answer: It doesn't. It trod all over the comic's established story and characters and made it into a generic (and therefore marketable and uncharming) film. Then came Shrek the Third: The Sequel Nobody Asked For. Bee Movie came next, which, like Madagascar, failed to make a real splash with the general public. (Actually, it was sort of released then forgotten about. The fate of Madagascar will be described shortly.) Kung Fu Panda was released afterward, and was a bit of a shock for me. I really thought this movie was going to be a stupid Dreamworks cash-in, but it was legitimately entertaining, well-animated, and funny. Dreamworks at its best. Then came Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, which I have not seen, so no comment, and Monsters vs. Aliens, which is as stupid as it sounds. How to Train Your Dragon came next, which I also need to see, because I've heard good things about it. After that, we got Shrek The Final Chapter: Because We Finally Decided This Cash Cow Was Milked Enough. (save spinoffs, of course.)


So as you can see, Dreamworks' stuff can be kind of hit and miss, and very little of it is really original. As a result, every time they announce a film, I'm pretty skeptical of it just being a cheap cash-in or an attempt to start what would basically be another Shrek. So upon us now is Megamind- A superhero comedy film slated for a close release date. From seeing the first trailer, I thought it was going to be stupid- a quick ripoff of more successful superhero films watered down for kids and making the bad guy good because evil is always bad. However, I recently got the chance to watch a short clip from the film- a clip that has given me hope for this movie.


This clip actually gave me a good chuckle. It's been a while since Dreamworks did that to me. Being someone who likes good villains, I think I can get behind this one if it's good.

Dreamworks, do us proud.

The Clone Wars Review: The Academy

Su cuy'gar, everyone. Instead of my normal greeting, I have a question.

When did Star Wars: The Clone Wars go from the coolest show on television to the most boring?

The answer? When Season 3 hit Mandalore.

I don't want to do this, hence the review coming RIGHT before the new Clone Wars episode is set to debut. But, "weekly" means "any time before the new episode premeres" so I gotta do this.

Man, this is gonna suck.

No, Luke. I am your SPOILERS!

So, we're back on Mandalore. Ahsoka and Anakin are flying there via Imperial Shuttle Prototype #3 (Which, despite not being the Twilight (the most unfortunately-named ship in the galaxy), manages to have its interior) Also, I notice they play a few bars of Ahsoka's Theme (Heard in the original Clone Wars film) as the ship flies in to the city. Nice touch.

Anyhoo, Anakin, charmer that he is, kisses Satine's hand (Oh you masher.) and presents her padawan. However, Anakin will not be staying, 'cuz he's got more interesting things to do than this stupid episode. Ahsoka meets up with a few of her students and takes her lightsaber (Because Mandalore is wimpy), Rex wisely tells Anakin to bow out before the episode drags on to total drivel, and Ahsoka heads to start teaching.

And apparently nobody on Mandalore knows the definition of the word "corruption" (Despite the fact that you could play a drinking game this trilogy of episodes every time someone utters the word, although said game has been known to kill people) because Ahsoka teaches them what it means.

New Mandalorians are idiots, who knew.

After class, the small group of students met earlier are hanging out in... the student lounge, I guess, I dunno, and are complaining about a food shortage. After some padding conversation they go to investigate. (Hehe, Arsoka)

To the warehouse district!

One of the students hacks the warehouse door really easily with a laptop, they all hop in, sneak around, quote Han Solo, and find some guys, and listen to them talking seedily. They record it using holocam, drop their laptop, and, of course, like idiots, reveal themselves. They try to escape, guards chase them, overly melodramatic chase scene, one of the kids gets caught but gets away when another one closes the door. The seedy-looking leader of the shady individuals picks up the laptop in question and we cut to commercial.

I order you all to take a pee break.

Anyway, the kids head back to the lounge, and determine that this is "bigger than we thought". OH REALLY. Seedy policemen dealing with blackmarket offworlders isn't IN YOUR LEAGUE?

Little shabla morons.

So it turns out one of the little brats is related to Satine, and they go to tell her about it. So ignoring all the padding, they tell her, and she Satine says that she'll take care of it. Hilariously, when she says "There'll be time to save the world when you're a bit older." I am reminded of a Dexter's Lab episode "Old Man Dexter", which I would much rather be watching than this crap.

Anyhoo. Padding padding padding, they talk to the Prime Minister with purple eyes. He says to meet them late at night with nobody around and to bring everybody aware of it along with the recording.

Do I even have to say it?

Anyway, it turns out these kids are COMPLETE idiots as when Ahsoka asks what's going on, they blatantly state they broke into the warehouse to do some snooping around. Ahsoka talks with them to pad out the length of the episode, and the super annoying bell rings and class is over. That night, they head to the plaza and are trapped. 'Cuz, y'know, it's a trap. The Secret Service goes to arrest them for "treason, conspiracy and corruption", and Ahsoka saves their wimpy non-Mando hides. They deduce that Satine's in danger and head down to her reidence... turns out she's been kidnapped.

Big... flippin'... surprise.

So they go down to the Prime Minister, and Ahsoka gets the kids arrested. And I laugh. So they go to prison and the Minister (no surprise) won't tell Ahsoka where Satine is, and he goes off to make a public statement while Ahsoka makes a funny face. She goes to "interrogate" the prisoners, talk privately in the cell, and continue with the plan. Ahsoka uses a mind trick on a guard to take her to Satine, where she is being held in a high-security vault. Mind trick again, she gets Satine down, yadda yadda yadda. Satine quotes Ackbar (I'd use the image again, but I risk being stale in overusing jokes) and it turns out she wasn't actually tricking the man, he was just acting. (To great effect, I loved that part.) 

Ahsoka (Hehe, Arsoka) is stunned, the kids sit in the cell. The minister tries to get Satine to sign a confession, some stuff is said, and a shock collar is put on Satine.

Aaand cue the part of the episode I've been waiting for since Satine's debut.

"I would rather die than sign your confession!"

"That can be arranged."
YES PRIME MINISTER THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Anyway, the Prime Minister has his contractually-obligated evil speech, and it turns out HE established the black market due to lack of viable trade routes to get commerce from, even though BEFORE this they were doing fine.

I... I gotta agree with Ahsoka on this, that's... pretty stupid.

They bring the kids to where all this is going down, one of the kids almost gets the shock collar, and Ahsoka picks a good time to conveniently break free. I love what the cadets do here when they're freed, they just kind of flop on the guards like fish. Fight scene happens, blah blah blah (I swear, these just keep getting more and more boring, these fights) and a shock collar gets on the Prime Minister, and he calls off the whole fight. Satine mentions how she didn't bring Ahsoka there to teach as they put away the Prime Minister.

The next morning, it's time for Ahsoka to leave, Anakin picks her up from school (Haha) and they talk about how it was risky but Anakin would have done the same, yadda yadda, roll the credits. 

Wait, did something happen? No, we just wasted a good 22 minutes, not counting commercials. Why? BECAUSE THE WRITERS OF THIS SHOW FORGOT WHAT MADE THE CLONE WARS COOL IN THE FIRST PLACE, WHICH WAS THE ACTUAL CLONE WARS.

So how does this one stack up?

So enter another episode in a long and ever-growing list of boring, pointless episodes that go nowhere and do little more than make me question my fandom. Oh well, it's really too bad, I was expecting a HECK of a lot more from Season 3, SECRETS REVEALED. Y'know, now that I think about it, I don't think anything WAS revealed so far. Like, at all. I'd foreshadow the next episode, but I'm watching it right now! Sorry if I sound rushed at the end here, but I'm watching the boringness right now! K'oyaci!

The Clone Wars: Corruption Review

Su cuy'gar, everyone! And welcome to- OW.

Ow! Sorry, I- OW.

Star Wars, you are HURTING ME. This episode was so awful that it is physically hurting me.

Okay, okay, sorry. But cut me some slack, this episode was BAD. I mean... REALLY REALLY... BAD.

I really don't want to review this one because it means I have to watch it again, but... I gotta take the good with the bad. So, let's nosedive right into this starcruiser-wreck of an episode.

You are free to use any means necessary, but I want them alive. No desintiSPOILERS!

So we begin the episode learning that Mandalore is in trouble because there is little in the way of supplies other than the black market. Padme Amidala is making a diplomatic trip to Mandalore for her new BFF, Satine (Hi, when did that happen). So Satine and Padme talk about politics, Satine greets Padme in a "traditional Mandalorian welcome" (And no, it is NOT a swift kick in the teeth like it WOULD have been if Vizsla were in charge). Okay, so I can accept that this is dumb, but Satine then goes on to say "We are a people of tradition".

NO.

NO YOU ARE NOT.

Your government was established less than a MONTH ago you have NO TRADITION GOING ON.

(On a side note, when Satine and Padme are riding through the tunnel, on the walls you can see the six-sided shape found on the chest of the four-part Mandalorian chest armor. Nice touch.)

So, we cut to the loading docks where some rejected Egyptian god lizards are unloading what I can only assume is the Mandalorian equivalent of Mountain Dew, when the customs official (or something) says that his schedule doesn't call for any Mountain Dew, but one of the lizards bribes him into overlooking it.

OHMIGOD HE TOOK A BRIBE MANDALORE IS EEEVIL

Seriously, if the Death Watch was in charge we wouldn't have to deal with osik like this.
Anyway, back in Satine's council chamber, where Satine's right-hand man is having trouble keeping the... I dunno, I guess she has a ruling council now, under control. Padme steps in and says some words, but gets shut down because the Republic is more corrupt with Mandalore. (Pfft.) They argue some more, Satine shuts them up, meeting's over.
Back to the lizards at the warehouse! Here, they're making... bottled tea, and the lizard leader mixes some toxic dilluding agent with tea ingredients to make twice the tea at twice the profit (Or something like that.), but it's only toxic if the mixture is wrong. 

Rrrright.

Cut to Satine and Padme at dinner and- PFFT Bahahahahaaaahh what the hell are they wearing hahahahahaaaahhh

(This shot wasn't taken of them actually at dinner, but it has both of them in one shot and oh my god her hat, that is so DUMB LOOKING bahahaaah)

Anyway, the next day they go to a hospital where there's, like, a million sick, poisoned children (More like less than a hundred, since they all came from the same school) and Satine and Padme decide to investigate.

 So it turns out that they deduce that the tea is tainted, so they go to test it in... the school has a poison test lab, I guess. Anyway, Satine monologues about corruption but all I can think about is how her hair is bouncier than it was in Season 2. Anyway, they deduce that it IS the tea that's poisoned, so they head to the docks to check the logs- and GASP AND SHOCK the tea isn't there. So the totally-not-suspicious superintendant tries to flee, but is captured. Satine threatens him to talk (Man, for a pacafist she sure can condone violence when it's convenient.) He makes the excuse that the school's budget was too low (And I chuckle because of the Wiscasset budget issue, anyone who lives where I do will understand why I find this funny) So he says he dealt with a middle man who they meet up with and get more information. So they head to the dock where a shipment is coming in of poison Mountain Dew. The customs official shows up again for his "inspection" but turns a blind eye for a few credit chips.

EEEVIL GREEDY MANDALORIANS.

Again, Death Watch should have been in charge 'cuz it's pretty obvious Satine does not know what she's doing.

So the captain of the police or something heads down to the docks with them where some guards are guarding the warehouse (Very badly, I might add), they get in, undramatic gunfight happens, blah blah blah. Everyone is arrested, and Satine orders the warehouse burned down for no good reason other than she's pissed off, despite the fact that there might be evidence in there that could tell them how far the corruption is spread. (Boy, for a pacafist she sure can condone wanton destruction when she's annoyed.) So they head to the prime minister who decides to investigate, and Satine goes to see Padme off, suggesting an undercover Jedi could perhaps be of some use, in, and I quote, "more ways than one".

If it's Obi-Wan, I can guess what "more ways than one" would be.

And by more ways than one I mean in BED.

Too subtle? Well, whatever.
Padme says she'll talk to Master yoda, she leaves, Satine smiles and walks off, roll the credits. Whoo, what a rush!
So, how does it hold up?

IT DOESN'T. This episode really fell flat. It was stupid, unnecessary, pointless, not gripping at all, and devoid of any action or anything interesting while trodding all over established canon all over again. Satine pisses me off to the nth degree, and I hope Vizsla shows up sometime this season to shoot her in the face, and soon. Aside from the political allegory (Which you should keep out of Star Wars anyway), this story had NO significance AT ALL to ANYTHING. I mean, really, all I can think about while watching this episode is that, across the galaxy, clones and Jedi are fighting and dying and THIS is the crap we get to slog through while that's going on? Really? Last time I checked, this show was called, oh, I don't know... The CLONE WARS?! Dave Filoni, you have failed me for the last time.

I really was expecting more from Season 3. And the next episode doesn't look like it'll be any better, where Ahsoka shows up to whip some pansy New Mando kids into shape or something, but I'm not looking forward to this one either.

DEATH WATCH WHERE ARE YOU.

*sigh* Until next time, k'oyaci.

The Clone Wars Review: Sphere of Influence

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Star Wars: The Clone Wars review.

I'll be honest, I'm late on this one for two reasons- One, it's been a busy week, two, I don't like this episode. I've honestly been trying to avoid reviewing this one because... really, it's kind of boring. This is one of those "Senate episodes" I tend to avoid if watching a season retroactively. But look at the bright side... Greedo's in it! In any case, this review won't write itself, let's dive right in.

Echo base, this is Rogue Two. I found SPOILERS!

Apparently Dooku's strategy for dominating the galaxy is "If at first you don't succeed, try it again next Friday night at 9 on Cartoon Network", 'cuz we once again, like last week with Ryloth, have a Separatist blockade around a planet. This time it's Pantora, the Hoth clone planet back in Season 1. Of course, we never go there, this IS a senate episode, after all. Can't have any ACTION or anything. Since the chairman died back in Season 1, a new one has been elected. His name? Baron N. Papanoida, but I like to call him George Bluecas, as, in the movies, the Baron was played by the famed creator of Star Wars. Of course, George does not voice the character (Since his voice can never break out of "Old man remeniscing about Star Wars" mode), but his voice actor does a fine job not sounding like Lucas. Good thing? Probably.

Anyway, skipping past the boring diplomacy stuff, Chairman George Bluecas' daughters are kidnapped. Ahsoka informs Padme and Anakin. Anakin says it's a job for the local athorities, but Padme says that perhaps the police can't do this on their own if the Seppies are involved. Anakin decides to send Ahsoka instead of, oh, I don't know, calling the CORUSCANT GUARD who's supposed to HANDLE STUFF LIKE THIS? Remember Commander Fox? Huh? The red clone troopers? Senate security troopers? Any of this a-ringin' a bell? Nope, because senate episodes can't have any action, these guys are completely sidelined in favor of one Togruta padawan who hasn't even gotten down mind tricks yet.

Ugh.

Now let me clarify that I don't hate Ahsoka. She's become a much more sympathetic character than the dumb "G!R1 P0W444HH" character she was back in the 2008 flick, and I know we haven't seen much of her in this season. But logically, the first people you should call for a SENATE kidnapping is the Coruscant Guard, also known as Senate Security Troopers. They kicked some serious ass back in the movie, so why not let them do their job? Ah well, PADAWAN DESPARATE FOR SPOTLIGHT COMING THROUGH.
So Ahsoka and Senator Chuchi (also from Season 1) are best friends now (Hi, when did that happen), and they head off to a Trade Federation ship to see if Bluecas' daughters are there (I find it disappointing that Ahsoka does not react to being called a servant girl again, considering she went bonkers about it in the film), while the Baron himself and his son (Who has a name but I swear they pulled Jake Sully from Avatar for his character model and chopped off the braid) decide to investigate closer to home. The police chief (who looks like the scientist from that one Bugs Bunny cartoon and whose voice reminds me more than a bit of Mel Blanc) says there is no foul play after a very careful thorough search for evidence... that missed the out-of-place statue with blood on it that pretty much tells them who the kidnapper is.

Pretty sure the Coruscant Guard wouldn't have missed that. (And no, I am not letting that go.)

So they find out Greedo did it (And got hit on the head before he could shoot first) as Ahsoka and Chuchi land on the Trade Federation battleship and Chuchi makes some comments about Pantora joining the Seppies (Which is all bantha osik) as George Bluecas and Jake Sully go to Tatooine to find Greedo. (Also, note Embo's cameo.) Baron Bluecas decides to hit up some Twi'lek ladies to find Greedo. Cut back to the Trade Federation battleship where Ahsoka and Chuchi are SnooPING AS usual, and pull one too many of the overdramatic "Bad guy is about to spot where they are but at the last second the good guy is somewhere else" trick. Back on Tatooine, the Twi'lek George talked to has found Greedo, who is rolling some dice in what I can only assume is some kind of gambling game, and he decides to "settle things more permanently". Back on the ship (Man, this episode jumps plotlines more than a jumping bean on a jackrabbit on a pogo stick.), Ahsoka and Chuchi decide to hit up the detention block, and Ahsoka iffily attempts a mind trick on the guard and... surprisingly, it works. Back on Tatooine (URGH.) Greedo finds and threatens George Bluecas, saying to dispose of them outside. (On a side note, the effects they use for Rodian's eyes in this show is really cool.) However, turns out George is something of a badass, as he whips out a knife, holds it to Greedo's throat, and says that they're going to talk to Jabba about all this mess.

Cut to the ship (OH MY GOD) where Ahsoka and Chuchi are wandering around the detention block... and it turns out they're being watched. On Tatooine (SERIOUSLY PICK A PLOT LINE AND STICK WITH IT), where we're now talking to Jabba about this, and George Bluecas tells him of his plight, and how Greedo is the kidnapper. He admits to it, and decides to take them to one of the daughters, who is on Tatooine. Back on the ship (no comment) they finally find Chi Eekway very anticlimactically, and she says that they were separated (But we already knew that). Back on Tatooine, Greedo, Jake Sully and George Bluecas walk into a cantina (And no, that's not the start of a bad joke) where Greedo, threatened at gunpoint by Jake, and the chairman's daughter is released- only to start a gunfight by calling him "Father", and revealing their identities. Gunfight happens, George is a badass again, yadda yadda yadda. Moving on. Back on the ship, the kidnapping Nemoidian tries to stop Ahsoka with six SBD's, only to chop them up, making the total times a lightsaber was swung in this episode a grand total of... eight. That and one fifteen-second gunfight is the extent of the action in this episode. So we go to the Senate, the blockade is lifted, more boring diplomacy, blah blah blah roll the credits. I stopped caring about halfway through.

So. How does it stack up?

Granted, I would watch it over, say, a Padme-centric episode (I really hate those) and the fact that Greedo was in it was pretty great. But other than that this episode was just... BORING. And a number of things just made no sense.

CORUSCANT.

GUARD.

That's WHY THEY ARE THERE.

So I can't recommend this episode, really, unless you're a Greedo, Ahsoka or Pantoran fan. Or if you've ever wanted to see Jake Sully and blue George Lucas shoot up some bad guys in a cantina. Now, I might be taking it hard on this episode after, say, ARC Troopers, but really, I expected more from an episode with Greedo in it. (Specifically, a Han Shot First joke.)

Anyways, turns out the next episode takes place on Mandalore. Let's hope and pray some Death Watch hero shoots Satine between the eyes so some sense and justice can be brought to Mandalore once again.

Until next time, k'oyaci!

The Clone Wars Review: Supply Lines

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Clone Army Review. Today, we will be looking at a particularly interesting episode pulled from Season 3- Supply Lines.

You don't know the power of the SPOILERS!

Remember what I said about Season 3 having to be REALLY GOOD to survive an episode with Jar Jar?

Well, turns out that the Force is strong with this one, because Supply Lines gave me quite a shock. In that I was able to survive this episode with Jar Jar in it, somehow. I bet you're dying to know how, too. So, dive right in!

So remember Ryloth? Yeah, when we left it, it was kinda liberated a bit. So why is it warring? 'Cuz this takes place before even the beginning of Season 1- this is a precursor to the episode Ambush, and, somewhat indirectly, the Ryloth Trilogy. (Wow, we're jumping all over the canonical map here, aren't we?) So, during the beginning of the attack on Ryloth, we are introduced to Jedi Master Ima-Gun Di (Say that out loud and I don't even need to tell you what happens to him.) on the planet's surface, trapped with his troops and a handful of Twi'lek freedom fighters (Who happen to inconveniently have their ENTIRE FAMILIES with them [what]) without supplies or ammo and surrounded by droid armies.

Aw man, this is gonna suck, isn't it.

Anyways, on Toydaria, Bail Organa meets Jar Jar Binks to discuss-
*collective groan*
I KNOW I HATE HIM TOO, give him a SMALL chance, guys.
So Jar Jar Binks and Bail Organa walk into the Toydarian throne room (and no, that's not the start of a bad joke) and attempt to convince King Katuunko and his band of Watto clones ministers to help send supplies to Ryloth, but a pair of Nute Gunray cosplayers Trade Federation ambassadors show up and convince him to do nothing. However, the King eventually decides to secretly allow the Republic ships to head to Ryloth, if Bail can keep the Trade Federation from linking Toydaria to the mission.
Meanwhile, back on Ryloth, Master Di and his men are still trapped. Di promises Cham Syndulla, Twi'lek freedom fighter leader, that the Republic will assist them, but they are unable to meet eye to eye. Di then creates a plan to prevent the droids from attacking from two fronts, stalling them until the Twi'leks can get their families out of harm's way Cham feels betrayed, Di comments that war dashes promises to hopes, and prepares for battle, resigning himself and his men to their fate.
As they prepare for the attack, Bail's plan begins to bear fruit- while the senators, King Katuunko and some Toydarians are having a formal dinner, Bail organizes the ships to leave with the supplies while Jar Jar distracts them in a strange manner that I will not describe. However, I will say that Jar Jar does not break everything within a ten foot radius, and the "conceptual gungan art ritual" is actually somewhat amusing because he doesn't totally fail at it.
And the attack begins.
I won't spoil the battle (it's really cool) but... I will say that Jedi Master Ima-Gun Di lives up to his name. It's big and dramatic and I really will miss him. The supplies reach Ryloth, and the King decides to reconsider his planet's neutrality... but that is for another episode. ROLL THE CREDITS.

Say what you will about Jar Jar, but he actually was able to serve up a decent performance here. Ahmed Best I have missed you so very much. But there's so much more to this episode than Jar Jar, and while IGN thought it was rather "busy", I think the ideas are all very well balanced, but I think Di's quest to liberate Ryloth could have been expanded in an episode all its own. In any case, some of the cool things to note about this episode, we finally get to see the infamous blockade runner, famous for being the very first ship ever seen in Star Wars, actually run a blockade after all these years! Master Di overall rocked, with a cool design and an awesome voice. Captain Keeli had REALLY cool armor (And, note, he is the only other Phase I ARC commander to have a rangefinder on his helmet other than Rex). All the troopers shared a great armor design. The battles were big and busy and really fun to watch, and the designs and voices of some of the Toydarians were pretty neat. I like how they expanded on the species of one little Tatooine-residing junk dealer into a species with compassion literally written into their constitution.

So, overall? A very good episode, but I think Season 3 will give us better. After all, ARC Troopers was amazing, so more of that, please! (Also, does it strike anyone else as weird that we haven't seen Mary Sue Ahsoka yet in this season? Oh well, Greedo holds George Lucas at gunpoint in the next episode! If nothing else, this'll be a lot of fun to watch.

Until next time, k'oyaci, everyone!

-Commander Ben