The Clone Wars Review: Nightsisters

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome back! It's been long enough of a break between halves of this so-far-idiotic season of The Clone Wars, so let's see if it's gotten any better!

Before I begin, normally I don't mention the pre-episode "moral" (read: bullshit) text, but I think this one deserves a mention. Mostly because it's REALLY STUPID.

"The swiftest path to destruction is through vengeance."

Okay, WHAT the hell does that even mean? Even in the context of Star Wars? I mean... Whose destruction? Yours? Your enemies? And if you want to destroy your enemies, does that mean you should take vengeance upon them?! And even if it means YOUR destruction, Ventress is the only one getting revenge in this episode, and doing that doesn't hurt her AT ALL! At the end of the episode, SHE'S FINE! So what the hell, writers?! Would it kill you to make some sense every once in a while?

Okay, so the episode opens with a vaguely-defined space battle in some part of the Outer Rim where Tom Kane tells us stuff we could have figured out by just looking at the screen for two seconds. Everybody's wearing their new outfits, Tri-droids are being used, and Ventress is using her fan-fighter thing again, which is nice to see. We cut to... erm, somewhere, where Dooku and Darth Hideous talk of Ventress' power, and Sidious gives Dooku the order to end her. The space battle happens which reminds me a lot of Episode III's opening (In a good way), and the three of them end up in a Seppie flagship due to damaged starfighters. Ventress calls Dooku for help, but all she gets is a death sentence from her Master. Dooku then orders a tactical droid to open fire on the flagship Ventress is on. The Jedi then engage Ventress on the flagship, having a pretty cool-looking lightsaber duel. During the fight, it's evidenced that Ventress has actually gotten stronger when she's able to hold both Anakin and Obi-Wan on a double force stranglehold thing. The Seppies open fire on the command ship, and Obi-Wan and Anakin escape, while Ventress appears to be caught in the blast. (What I wanna know is, Obi-Wan crashed in the hangar and all of a sudden, his ship's operating just fine..? What the HELL. At least Ventress' ship, which was a smoking wreckage, had some trouble getting out of the hangar because of the damage, but... Obi-Wan's is working fine. Um, HOW?)

After the commercial break, Dooku reports back to his Master, while a KO'd Ventress is dragged aboard a salvage freighter. A twi'lek version of the Engineer from TF2 who's obviously being voiced by Dee Bradley Baker holds Ventress at knifepoint while surrounding her with the rest of his crew, but that's pretty useless 'cuz she just strangles all of 'em and takes over the freighter herself, flying her way to Dathomir, the planet of the Nightsisters. There, the Nightsisters welcome her with open arms... said arms being the "weapons" kind, like laser bows and swords... but the... leader mother... person recognizes Ventress and takes her to the "village".

Said village is a huge underground collection of temple-like ruins under a bigger temple. The Nightsisters put Ventress on a table and use the "Water of Life" to give us some flashbacks which lead to some intriguing insight into Ventress' past. Apparently, she was taken from the Nightsisters as a little baby (I gotta admit, little Ventress is actually kind of cute.) by... I don't know if the guy's a Jedi, he certainly doesn't look like one and he never demonstrates any Jedi-like traits, and is never seen with a lightsaber, but she's taken from the clan at a very young age (like the Jedi) and she calls him "Master", so I dunno. (EDITOR'S NOTE: That guy was a criminal, as Ventress had to be given up as payment for a debt. This is not explained in-episode.) Anyway, she's found by a Jedi who takes her under his wing after she demonstrates her abilities in the Force, and trains her to be a Jedi and she... grows some... hair... on her head... which I thought was impossible for her species..? The hell..? (EDITOR'S NOTE: Ventress has been retconned from a Rattataki to a Dathmorian, so she can grow hair now. This, also, is not explained in-episode.)

Anyways, her Master is killed and she gives in to her anger, becoming a Sith. She is trained and betrayed by Dooku blah blah blah end flashback. She says how she's gonna get revenge on Dooku, and the Nightsisters concoct some weird invisibility potion... or... something... Anyway, Ventress and two other Nightsister warriors use it to become invisible to most. They take a poison dart to dull Dooku's senses and lightsabers to make him think it's a Jedi attack, and set off.

Back at Dooku's house, three big wads of vaguely person-shaped fog- er, Ventress and the Nightsisters, get in undetected with some unnecessary somersaults and flips. Inside, it turns out that Sith, unlike Jedi, are aware of the concept of pajamas, as Dooku sleeps in his bed... without a blanket... Sith don't get cold, I dunno. Ventress uses the Force to stick the dart in Dooku's neck, and as he falls out of bed, he grabs his lightsaber and yanks out the dart. He then utters how he does not need his eyes to see, and he engages the "Jedi" in a lightsaber fight. It's a rather impressive fight, and I always love seeing Dooku's Makashi (Form II) in action because it's a great mix of traditional two-handed lightsaber fighting and fencing. This scene is also good at showing that even drugged, Dooku's a total badass. At the end of the battle, it looks like Ventress is finally going to get her revenge, but Dooku zaps the trio with Force Lightning and tosses them out a window, and they make their escape.

We return to Dathomir where the trio returns to Mother Talzin. They report they have failed, but Mother Talzin sees their infiltration as an opportunity, as Dooku will want to protect himself by finding a replacement for Ventress. The next morning, Talzin contacts Count Dooku, and offers to replace Ventress with a male from their kind- SPOILER- it's a Zabrack Nightbrother, Savage Opress.

And on that, we end the episode with something of a cliffhanger, since the episode doesn't tell us who it is exactly, but we all know Dooku will be training Savage anyway, so who cares.

To conclude!

You'll notice I haven't made fun of this episode a whole lot. Not like the previous ones where I reveled in every dumb joke opportunity I could find. There's a reason for that. This was a GOOD EPISODE. Good? In Season 3? This is madness, you claim! Surely nothing good can come out of the Senatorially Stupid Season 3!

Well, Season 3 Part 2 is on the road to redeeming itself. I'm very glad that this episode didn't just shove a normal Anakin, Obi-Wan, Rex and Ahsoka Adventure on us right from the get-go, since the first two seasons were 80% exactly that. Anakin and Obi-Wan were in the beginning, yes, but they fell by the wayside as plot devices to be used in another episode. It was also nice seeing Ventress' backstory, and although it was butchered a little (She was a Rattataki for the longest time, but was retconned to be a Dathmorian. However, as Baron George Bluecas and his family have shown us, this is not the first time a character's species has been retconned.), it was really for the better. Ventress makes a much better Nightsister than Rattataki anyway, in my opinion. The story also did a really good job of following her original backstory aside from the species change, and she did meet Ky Narec, and she did turn to the Dark Side over his death, so that bit of faithfulness was pretty nice to see. (I just wish they'd saved their faithfulness for Mandalore...) The inclusion of the Nightsisters from The Clone Wars: Jedi Alliance (An action-adventure Star Wars game for the Nintendo DS) was also nice to see, and really added to the dark atmosphere the Clone War is taking. There's evil on the fringes of the galaxy, just waiting for its chance to consume everything. Some serious osik is going down, ner vode. Another nice touch was the new costumes (For Ventress, the revert to her old outfit from the original 2003 cartoon), and the Tri-Fighters. You can tell the war is on its fulcrum here, with the addition of SOME of the new tech from Revenge of the Sith, but you can see not everything is new. (They're still using Jedi Aethersprites instead of Interceptors, Phase I Clone Trooper armor is still in use, etc.) You can tell the war is changing, and I like it.

All in all, a very good episode, a great surprise, and a nice change of pace to a boring Season 3. It has a few flaws, like lack of a couple plot point explanations and a really, REALLY stupid moral, I can't fault it because it really is good. I can't wait until this week's episode, with Savage's reveal, and CLONE COMMANDOS YAAAAAAAYYYY.

Until next time, k'oyaci!

The Clone Wars Review: The Academy

Su cuy'gar, everyone. Instead of my normal greeting, I have a question.

When did Star Wars: The Clone Wars go from the coolest show on television to the most boring?

The answer? When Season 3 hit Mandalore.

I don't want to do this, hence the review coming RIGHT before the new Clone Wars episode is set to debut. But, "weekly" means "any time before the new episode premeres" so I gotta do this.

Man, this is gonna suck.

No, Luke. I am your SPOILERS!

So, we're back on Mandalore. Ahsoka and Anakin are flying there via Imperial Shuttle Prototype #3 (Which, despite not being the Twilight (the most unfortunately-named ship in the galaxy), manages to have its interior) Also, I notice they play a few bars of Ahsoka's Theme (Heard in the original Clone Wars film) as the ship flies in to the city. Nice touch.

Anyhoo, Anakin, charmer that he is, kisses Satine's hand (Oh you masher.) and presents her padawan. However, Anakin will not be staying, 'cuz he's got more interesting things to do than this stupid episode. Ahsoka meets up with a few of her students and takes her lightsaber (Because Mandalore is wimpy), Rex wisely tells Anakin to bow out before the episode drags on to total drivel, and Ahsoka heads to start teaching.

And apparently nobody on Mandalore knows the definition of the word "corruption" (Despite the fact that you could play a drinking game this trilogy of episodes every time someone utters the word, although said game has been known to kill people) because Ahsoka teaches them what it means.

New Mandalorians are idiots, who knew.

After class, the small group of students met earlier are hanging out in... the student lounge, I guess, I dunno, and are complaining about a food shortage. After some padding conversation they go to investigate. (Hehe, Arsoka)

To the warehouse district!

One of the students hacks the warehouse door really easily with a laptop, they all hop in, sneak around, quote Han Solo, and find some guys, and listen to them talking seedily. They record it using holocam, drop their laptop, and, of course, like idiots, reveal themselves. They try to escape, guards chase them, overly melodramatic chase scene, one of the kids gets caught but gets away when another one closes the door. The seedy-looking leader of the shady individuals picks up the laptop in question and we cut to commercial.

I order you all to take a pee break.

Anyway, the kids head back to the lounge, and determine that this is "bigger than we thought". OH REALLY. Seedy policemen dealing with blackmarket offworlders isn't IN YOUR LEAGUE?

Little shabla morons.

So it turns out one of the little brats is related to Satine, and they go to tell her about it. So ignoring all the padding, they tell her, and she Satine says that she'll take care of it. Hilariously, when she says "There'll be time to save the world when you're a bit older." I am reminded of a Dexter's Lab episode "Old Man Dexter", which I would much rather be watching than this crap.

Anyhoo. Padding padding padding, they talk to the Prime Minister with purple eyes. He says to meet them late at night with nobody around and to bring everybody aware of it along with the recording.

Do I even have to say it?

Anyway, it turns out these kids are COMPLETE idiots as when Ahsoka asks what's going on, they blatantly state they broke into the warehouse to do some snooping around. Ahsoka talks with them to pad out the length of the episode, and the super annoying bell rings and class is over. That night, they head to the plaza and are trapped. 'Cuz, y'know, it's a trap. The Secret Service goes to arrest them for "treason, conspiracy and corruption", and Ahsoka saves their wimpy non-Mando hides. They deduce that Satine's in danger and head down to her reidence... turns out she's been kidnapped.

Big... flippin'... surprise.

So they go down to the Prime Minister, and Ahsoka gets the kids arrested. And I laugh. So they go to prison and the Minister (no surprise) won't tell Ahsoka where Satine is, and he goes off to make a public statement while Ahsoka makes a funny face. She goes to "interrogate" the prisoners, talk privately in the cell, and continue with the plan. Ahsoka uses a mind trick on a guard to take her to Satine, where she is being held in a high-security vault. Mind trick again, she gets Satine down, yadda yadda yadda. Satine quotes Ackbar (I'd use the image again, but I risk being stale in overusing jokes) and it turns out she wasn't actually tricking the man, he was just acting. (To great effect, I loved that part.) 

Ahsoka (Hehe, Arsoka) is stunned, the kids sit in the cell. The minister tries to get Satine to sign a confession, some stuff is said, and a shock collar is put on Satine.

Aaand cue the part of the episode I've been waiting for since Satine's debut.

"I would rather die than sign your confession!"

"That can be arranged."
YES PRIME MINISTER THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Anyway, the Prime Minister has his contractually-obligated evil speech, and it turns out HE established the black market due to lack of viable trade routes to get commerce from, even though BEFORE this they were doing fine.

I... I gotta agree with Ahsoka on this, that's... pretty stupid.

They bring the kids to where all this is going down, one of the kids almost gets the shock collar, and Ahsoka picks a good time to conveniently break free. I love what the cadets do here when they're freed, they just kind of flop on the guards like fish. Fight scene happens, blah blah blah (I swear, these just keep getting more and more boring, these fights) and a shock collar gets on the Prime Minister, and he calls off the whole fight. Satine mentions how she didn't bring Ahsoka there to teach as they put away the Prime Minister.

The next morning, it's time for Ahsoka to leave, Anakin picks her up from school (Haha) and they talk about how it was risky but Anakin would have done the same, yadda yadda, roll the credits. 

Wait, did something happen? No, we just wasted a good 22 minutes, not counting commercials. Why? BECAUSE THE WRITERS OF THIS SHOW FORGOT WHAT MADE THE CLONE WARS COOL IN THE FIRST PLACE, WHICH WAS THE ACTUAL CLONE WARS.

So how does this one stack up?

So enter another episode in a long and ever-growing list of boring, pointless episodes that go nowhere and do little more than make me question my fandom. Oh well, it's really too bad, I was expecting a HECK of a lot more from Season 3, SECRETS REVEALED. Y'know, now that I think about it, I don't think anything WAS revealed so far. Like, at all. I'd foreshadow the next episode, but I'm watching it right now! Sorry if I sound rushed at the end here, but I'm watching the boringness right now! K'oyaci!

The Clone Wars: Corruption Review

Su cuy'gar, everyone! And welcome to- OW.

Ow! Sorry, I- OW.

Star Wars, you are HURTING ME. This episode was so awful that it is physically hurting me.

Okay, okay, sorry. But cut me some slack, this episode was BAD. I mean... REALLY REALLY... BAD.

I really don't want to review this one because it means I have to watch it again, but... I gotta take the good with the bad. So, let's nosedive right into this starcruiser-wreck of an episode.

You are free to use any means necessary, but I want them alive. No desintiSPOILERS!

So we begin the episode learning that Mandalore is in trouble because there is little in the way of supplies other than the black market. Padme Amidala is making a diplomatic trip to Mandalore for her new BFF, Satine (Hi, when did that happen). So Satine and Padme talk about politics, Satine greets Padme in a "traditional Mandalorian welcome" (And no, it is NOT a swift kick in the teeth like it WOULD have been if Vizsla were in charge). Okay, so I can accept that this is dumb, but Satine then goes on to say "We are a people of tradition".

NO.

NO YOU ARE NOT.

Your government was established less than a MONTH ago you have NO TRADITION GOING ON.

(On a side note, when Satine and Padme are riding through the tunnel, on the walls you can see the six-sided shape found on the chest of the four-part Mandalorian chest armor. Nice touch.)

So, we cut to the loading docks where some rejected Egyptian god lizards are unloading what I can only assume is the Mandalorian equivalent of Mountain Dew, when the customs official (or something) says that his schedule doesn't call for any Mountain Dew, but one of the lizards bribes him into overlooking it.

OHMIGOD HE TOOK A BRIBE MANDALORE IS EEEVIL

Seriously, if the Death Watch was in charge we wouldn't have to deal with osik like this.
Anyway, back in Satine's council chamber, where Satine's right-hand man is having trouble keeping the... I dunno, I guess she has a ruling council now, under control. Padme steps in and says some words, but gets shut down because the Republic is more corrupt with Mandalore. (Pfft.) They argue some more, Satine shuts them up, meeting's over.
Back to the lizards at the warehouse! Here, they're making... bottled tea, and the lizard leader mixes some toxic dilluding agent with tea ingredients to make twice the tea at twice the profit (Or something like that.), but it's only toxic if the mixture is wrong. 

Rrrright.

Cut to Satine and Padme at dinner and- PFFT Bahahahahaaaahh what the hell are they wearing hahahahahaaaahhh

(This shot wasn't taken of them actually at dinner, but it has both of them in one shot and oh my god her hat, that is so DUMB LOOKING bahahaaah)

Anyway, the next day they go to a hospital where there's, like, a million sick, poisoned children (More like less than a hundred, since they all came from the same school) and Satine and Padme decide to investigate.

 So it turns out that they deduce that the tea is tainted, so they go to test it in... the school has a poison test lab, I guess. Anyway, Satine monologues about corruption but all I can think about is how her hair is bouncier than it was in Season 2. Anyway, they deduce that it IS the tea that's poisoned, so they head to the docks to check the logs- and GASP AND SHOCK the tea isn't there. So the totally-not-suspicious superintendant tries to flee, but is captured. Satine threatens him to talk (Man, for a pacafist she sure can condone violence when it's convenient.) He makes the excuse that the school's budget was too low (And I chuckle because of the Wiscasset budget issue, anyone who lives where I do will understand why I find this funny) So he says he dealt with a middle man who they meet up with and get more information. So they head to the dock where a shipment is coming in of poison Mountain Dew. The customs official shows up again for his "inspection" but turns a blind eye for a few credit chips.

EEEVIL GREEDY MANDALORIANS.

Again, Death Watch should have been in charge 'cuz it's pretty obvious Satine does not know what she's doing.

So the captain of the police or something heads down to the docks with them where some guards are guarding the warehouse (Very badly, I might add), they get in, undramatic gunfight happens, blah blah blah. Everyone is arrested, and Satine orders the warehouse burned down for no good reason other than she's pissed off, despite the fact that there might be evidence in there that could tell them how far the corruption is spread. (Boy, for a pacafist she sure can condone wanton destruction when she's annoyed.) So they head to the prime minister who decides to investigate, and Satine goes to see Padme off, suggesting an undercover Jedi could perhaps be of some use, in, and I quote, "more ways than one".

If it's Obi-Wan, I can guess what "more ways than one" would be.

And by more ways than one I mean in BED.

Too subtle? Well, whatever.
Padme says she'll talk to Master yoda, she leaves, Satine smiles and walks off, roll the credits. Whoo, what a rush!
So, how does it hold up?

IT DOESN'T. This episode really fell flat. It was stupid, unnecessary, pointless, not gripping at all, and devoid of any action or anything interesting while trodding all over established canon all over again. Satine pisses me off to the nth degree, and I hope Vizsla shows up sometime this season to shoot her in the face, and soon. Aside from the political allegory (Which you should keep out of Star Wars anyway), this story had NO significance AT ALL to ANYTHING. I mean, really, all I can think about while watching this episode is that, across the galaxy, clones and Jedi are fighting and dying and THIS is the crap we get to slog through while that's going on? Really? Last time I checked, this show was called, oh, I don't know... The CLONE WARS?! Dave Filoni, you have failed me for the last time.

I really was expecting more from Season 3. And the next episode doesn't look like it'll be any better, where Ahsoka shows up to whip some pansy New Mando kids into shape or something, but I'm not looking forward to this one either.

DEATH WATCH WHERE ARE YOU.

*sigh* Until next time, k'oyaci.

The Clone Wars Review: Supply Lines

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Clone Army Review. Today, we will be looking at a particularly interesting episode pulled from Season 3- Supply Lines.

You don't know the power of the SPOILERS!

Remember what I said about Season 3 having to be REALLY GOOD to survive an episode with Jar Jar?

Well, turns out that the Force is strong with this one, because Supply Lines gave me quite a shock. In that I was able to survive this episode with Jar Jar in it, somehow. I bet you're dying to know how, too. So, dive right in!

So remember Ryloth? Yeah, when we left it, it was kinda liberated a bit. So why is it warring? 'Cuz this takes place before even the beginning of Season 1- this is a precursor to the episode Ambush, and, somewhat indirectly, the Ryloth Trilogy. (Wow, we're jumping all over the canonical map here, aren't we?) So, during the beginning of the attack on Ryloth, we are introduced to Jedi Master Ima-Gun Di (Say that out loud and I don't even need to tell you what happens to him.) on the planet's surface, trapped with his troops and a handful of Twi'lek freedom fighters (Who happen to inconveniently have their ENTIRE FAMILIES with them [what]) without supplies or ammo and surrounded by droid armies.

Aw man, this is gonna suck, isn't it.

Anyways, on Toydaria, Bail Organa meets Jar Jar Binks to discuss-
*collective groan*
I KNOW I HATE HIM TOO, give him a SMALL chance, guys.
So Jar Jar Binks and Bail Organa walk into the Toydarian throne room (and no, that's not the start of a bad joke) and attempt to convince King Katuunko and his band of Watto clones ministers to help send supplies to Ryloth, but a pair of Nute Gunray cosplayers Trade Federation ambassadors show up and convince him to do nothing. However, the King eventually decides to secretly allow the Republic ships to head to Ryloth, if Bail can keep the Trade Federation from linking Toydaria to the mission.
Meanwhile, back on Ryloth, Master Di and his men are still trapped. Di promises Cham Syndulla, Twi'lek freedom fighter leader, that the Republic will assist them, but they are unable to meet eye to eye. Di then creates a plan to prevent the droids from attacking from two fronts, stalling them until the Twi'leks can get their families out of harm's way Cham feels betrayed, Di comments that war dashes promises to hopes, and prepares for battle, resigning himself and his men to their fate.
As they prepare for the attack, Bail's plan begins to bear fruit- while the senators, King Katuunko and some Toydarians are having a formal dinner, Bail organizes the ships to leave with the supplies while Jar Jar distracts them in a strange manner that I will not describe. However, I will say that Jar Jar does not break everything within a ten foot radius, and the "conceptual gungan art ritual" is actually somewhat amusing because he doesn't totally fail at it.
And the attack begins.
I won't spoil the battle (it's really cool) but... I will say that Jedi Master Ima-Gun Di lives up to his name. It's big and dramatic and I really will miss him. The supplies reach Ryloth, and the King decides to reconsider his planet's neutrality... but that is for another episode. ROLL THE CREDITS.

Say what you will about Jar Jar, but he actually was able to serve up a decent performance here. Ahmed Best I have missed you so very much. But there's so much more to this episode than Jar Jar, and while IGN thought it was rather "busy", I think the ideas are all very well balanced, but I think Di's quest to liberate Ryloth could have been expanded in an episode all its own. In any case, some of the cool things to note about this episode, we finally get to see the infamous blockade runner, famous for being the very first ship ever seen in Star Wars, actually run a blockade after all these years! Master Di overall rocked, with a cool design and an awesome voice. Captain Keeli had REALLY cool armor (And, note, he is the only other Phase I ARC commander to have a rangefinder on his helmet other than Rex). All the troopers shared a great armor design. The battles were big and busy and really fun to watch, and the designs and voices of some of the Toydarians were pretty neat. I like how they expanded on the species of one little Tatooine-residing junk dealer into a species with compassion literally written into their constitution.

So, overall? A very good episode, but I think Season 3 will give us better. After all, ARC Troopers was amazing, so more of that, please! (Also, does it strike anyone else as weird that we haven't seen Mary Sue Ahsoka yet in this season? Oh well, Greedo holds George Lucas at gunpoint in the next episode! If nothing else, this'll be a lot of fun to watch.

Until next time, k'oyaci, everyone!

-Commander Ben