The Clone Wars Review: Witches of the Mist

Well, buenos dias, clonebites, guess who's back.

And no, I'm not entirely sure what I just said.

Um.

Yeah.

On that note, Witches of the Mist!

Anyway, su cuy'gar, let's get this show on the road.

Following hot on the heels of the previous episode, Monster, we return to a galaxy far, far away at the Jedi Temple where the remains from Devaron are taken to be CLONE COMMANDOS CLONE COMMANDOS CLONE COMMANDOS CLONE COMMANDOS jedi talking who cares blah blah CLONE COMMANDOS CLONE COMMANDOS


So. Anyway. It's established that whoever killed the Jedi was a reckless, impulsive animal, and we cut to... somewhere, where Dooku and Savage are practice-dueling. The duel doesn't last long, however, as Dooku easily counter's Savage's huge, sweeping swipes with his own precise Makashi strikes, claiming he has no technique. Dooku then proceeds to finish it by choking him, taking his Darth Maul copycat lightsaber and foreshadowing his own death.

MEANWHILE AT THE JEDI TEMPLE, IT IS TIME FOR PLOT. In the council chambers, Yoda, Mace Windu and Obi-Wan confer about the attack on Devaron. Obi-Wan is shocked to see what he thinks to be Darth Maul alive, but Yoda corrects him, telling him it is another Zabrak who is responsible for the slaughter. After some minor retconning, Obi-Wan is sent to Dathomir while Dooku attempts to train Savage in the ways of the Force.

Savage gets a Sith version of the Luke Skywalker scene, where Savage thinks the task of lifting many heavy stone structures, much like the X-Wing, is impossible. Dooku corrects him, saying that it is only impossible because Savage has deemed it so, and the must connect with HOLY CRAP SITH LIGHTNING BAM. After some shock therapy, Savage finds himself able to complete the task. Of course, a good magician never reveals his secrets, and Dooku does not tell Savage how to defend against such power.

Out in space, Obi-Wan and Anakin find their way to Dathomir, where they meet the Zabrack tribe where Savage was raised. After a quick surprise attack, Anakin jumps up atop a building and holds their leader at lightsaberpoint in a very un-Jedi-like manner. The Jedi learn they need to speak with the Nightsisters, and Anakin releases the leader and performs a salute (Much like I would, amusingly.), before heading back to the shuttle.

Back on... somewhere, Dooku gives Savage his first mission- Bring back King Katuunko from Toydaria, who was intruduced back in the very first episode, interestingly enough.

We cut back to the Jedi as they find themselves in the presence of the Nightsisters, who surround them and take their lightsabers before introducing them to Mother Talzin. After some negotiations that almost hit aggressive, they learn of Savage's presence on Toydaria and make their exit, while Ventress and Talzin plot to use Savage against Dooku. (Wow, lotta names right there.)

Meanwhile, Savage storms the Toydarian castle and kills... well, everyone in his way. He makes his way to the throne room and kills everyone else, while Katuuno draws his ceremonial sword. The Jedi swoop in just in time for Katuunko's sword to be chopped in two before he's knocked out. The Jedi then engage Savage, who, in  the middle of the fight that I will again not describe, snaps Katuunko's neck and makes is escape and shoves the Jedi's shuttle off the platform into oblivion.

On a Separatist cruiser Dreadnaught, Savage brings the dead Toydarian king to Dooku, who is so pissed he zaps Savage with lightning for his failure. All of a sudden, Ventress shows up and takes control of Savage, and the pair engage Dooku in a sith-on-sith three-way lightsaber brawl. Amusingly, Savage's weakness seems to be lightning and je just goes berzerk and starts trying to kill everything. Dooku and Ventress make their escape as Anakin and Obi-Wan engage Savage again.

Meanwhile, Dooku and Ventress start fighting again and Ventress leaves in an escape pod. As the fight between Anakin, Obi-Wan and Savage makes its way to the hangar, the droids start attacking Savage as well, who performs a Force Repulse and hops in Dooku's Solar Sailer, and the Jedi make their own escape.

Back on Dathomir, Savage returns to Mother Talzin to learn that he has a famous, red-skinned brother who lives in exile in the Outer Rim who will not be seen until Season 4 and will train Savage to be a plot device later in the show.

The end! Roll the credits!

Final comments? Really, I wasn't completely sold on this story arc, but it was pretty fun and nice to see a darker side to the Clone Wars. Savage was a strong character, and it was interesting to see Ventress stop being Dooku's lapdog and to do her own thing for once. The Jedi's inclusion seems a tad tacked on and I wish the Clone Commandos had more to do, but other than that, a strong story overall. And next, we have that Chosen One arc... ugh. Not looking forward to reviewing these.

Until next time k'oyaci!

The Clone Wars Review: Monster

And not the energy drink.

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Star Wars: The Clone Wars review!

Apparently, in a galaxy far far away, there is no greater fear than that of tattooed stuntmen with horns on their heads that jump and flip and wield double-bladed lightsabers. How do I know this? Well, because Darth Maul's fame refuses to die. I don't entirely know why. He's not particularly iconic like Boba Fett or Darth Vader. He's not particularly powerful like IG-88. I suppose it's because the little kids who saw Episode I were scared to death of him, and the older viewers saw the only threatening villain in the entire film, therefore instant awesomeness. Personally, I never got either of them. I was never particularly frightened by Darth Maul as a little kid when this film came out and I never really got hooked by any potential awesomeness of his. He didn't have the presence of Boba Fett or the raw power of Darth Vader, or authority and raw evil of, say, Palpatine. But something about the tattooed terror struck a chord with some dudes, so Maul is something of a fan favorite now. And despite the fact that a few sources have elaborated a bit on his past, Maul is still something of a mystery. However, this episode pretty much has nothing to do with Maul, the marketing is just capitalizing on his status as a freakshow villain and that ticks me off. See, this episode deals primarily with the Nightbrothers, the clan from which Darth Maul was taken by Sidious as a young child. (According to Wookiepedia.) In any case, here it is, Monster!

Tom Kane tells us of what happens in the last episode and reminds us of how easily duped Count Dooku is (Seriously, RIGHT after he has Ventress killed off, he's attacked by invisible Jedi (a tactic he KNOWS the Jedi would not stoop to), and then IMMEDIATELY contacted by the HEAD OF THE NIGHTSISTERS? Is Dooku really that stupid?), we see him land on Dathomir and speaks with Mother Talzin about a new apprentice, and she mentions Darth Maul, and offers to provide another apprentice, of Maul's calibur. As Dooku stupidly mentions his weakness in front of her, he agrees and leaves Dathomir. Once he's gone, Talzin and Ventress plot to use the new apprentice to attempt to kill Dooku. Ventress then proceeds to make her way to the far side of Dathomir, where the Nightbrothers live, the clan in direct opposition to the Nightsisters, and the apparent origin of Darth Maul. Heads of each tribe line up so Ventress can select one, as apparently the Nightbrothers aren't on equal footing with the Nightsisters, who are seemingly superior. I'm... not entirely sure how that works.

Ventress slaps around the Zabracks and selects a handful for what are essentially gladiator games. The The first game essentially pits them all against Ventress, and after a cool fight scene, their numbers are thinned to four. The fight ends with Savage demonstrating caring for his brother Feral, and Ventress punches him for being "pathetic". The second is more or less the same, but turns out the lights to "see what cannot be seen". Two more are killed before the final challenge, where only Savage and Feral remain. (I'm likin' these names.) Another fistfight is incurred, but this time with MOVING PLATFORMS to shake stuff up. After Ventress almost kills Feral, the two fight, and Savage gives himself up to Ventress to spare the life of his brother.

Savage is then taken back to the Nightsisters village and beef him up with their magic. He is turned into a savage and oppressive being (Haha, see what I did there?) and nearly strangles Ventress to death. As a final test, he is forced to kill Feral- the very brother he swore to protect. In an act of pure wickedness, he snaps his brother's neck. He is given a new weapon and brought before Dooku as his apprentice, who accepts him without hesitation. (Man, Dooku's kind of an idiot sometimes, huh?) He is then unleashed upon Devaron, where he slaughters everyone, Jedi and Clone alike. Notably, after Savage kills the Jedi, we do not see the tip of Savage's blade, therefore, we don't see any blood. Savage then returns to Dooku, and officially takes Savage on as his apprentice.

Whoo! What a rush, huh?

Anyway, this episode was pretty no-surprises, but it was still REALLY GOOD. I enjoyed it, and I liked seeing a little of Darth Maul's heritage, as well as Savage having some... *gasp* CHARACTER! This is madness.

In any case, the commandos had better be used more than that dumb two-second clip we saw at Celebration V. Until next time, k'oyaci!

The Clone Wars Review: Nightsisters

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome back! It's been long enough of a break between halves of this so-far-idiotic season of The Clone Wars, so let's see if it's gotten any better!

Before I begin, normally I don't mention the pre-episode "moral" (read: bullshit) text, but I think this one deserves a mention. Mostly because it's REALLY STUPID.

"The swiftest path to destruction is through vengeance."

Okay, WHAT the hell does that even mean? Even in the context of Star Wars? I mean... Whose destruction? Yours? Your enemies? And if you want to destroy your enemies, does that mean you should take vengeance upon them?! And even if it means YOUR destruction, Ventress is the only one getting revenge in this episode, and doing that doesn't hurt her AT ALL! At the end of the episode, SHE'S FINE! So what the hell, writers?! Would it kill you to make some sense every once in a while?

Okay, so the episode opens with a vaguely-defined space battle in some part of the Outer Rim where Tom Kane tells us stuff we could have figured out by just looking at the screen for two seconds. Everybody's wearing their new outfits, Tri-droids are being used, and Ventress is using her fan-fighter thing again, which is nice to see. We cut to... erm, somewhere, where Dooku and Darth Hideous talk of Ventress' power, and Sidious gives Dooku the order to end her. The space battle happens which reminds me a lot of Episode III's opening (In a good way), and the three of them end up in a Seppie flagship due to damaged starfighters. Ventress calls Dooku for help, but all she gets is a death sentence from her Master. Dooku then orders a tactical droid to open fire on the flagship Ventress is on. The Jedi then engage Ventress on the flagship, having a pretty cool-looking lightsaber duel. During the fight, it's evidenced that Ventress has actually gotten stronger when she's able to hold both Anakin and Obi-Wan on a double force stranglehold thing. The Seppies open fire on the command ship, and Obi-Wan and Anakin escape, while Ventress appears to be caught in the blast. (What I wanna know is, Obi-Wan crashed in the hangar and all of a sudden, his ship's operating just fine..? What the HELL. At least Ventress' ship, which was a smoking wreckage, had some trouble getting out of the hangar because of the damage, but... Obi-Wan's is working fine. Um, HOW?)

After the commercial break, Dooku reports back to his Master, while a KO'd Ventress is dragged aboard a salvage freighter. A twi'lek version of the Engineer from TF2 who's obviously being voiced by Dee Bradley Baker holds Ventress at knifepoint while surrounding her with the rest of his crew, but that's pretty useless 'cuz she just strangles all of 'em and takes over the freighter herself, flying her way to Dathomir, the planet of the Nightsisters. There, the Nightsisters welcome her with open arms... said arms being the "weapons" kind, like laser bows and swords... but the... leader mother... person recognizes Ventress and takes her to the "village".

Said village is a huge underground collection of temple-like ruins under a bigger temple. The Nightsisters put Ventress on a table and use the "Water of Life" to give us some flashbacks which lead to some intriguing insight into Ventress' past. Apparently, she was taken from the Nightsisters as a little baby (I gotta admit, little Ventress is actually kind of cute.) by... I don't know if the guy's a Jedi, he certainly doesn't look like one and he never demonstrates any Jedi-like traits, and is never seen with a lightsaber, but she's taken from the clan at a very young age (like the Jedi) and she calls him "Master", so I dunno. (EDITOR'S NOTE: That guy was a criminal, as Ventress had to be given up as payment for a debt. This is not explained in-episode.) Anyway, she's found by a Jedi who takes her under his wing after she demonstrates her abilities in the Force, and trains her to be a Jedi and she... grows some... hair... on her head... which I thought was impossible for her species..? The hell..? (EDITOR'S NOTE: Ventress has been retconned from a Rattataki to a Dathmorian, so she can grow hair now. This, also, is not explained in-episode.)

Anyways, her Master is killed and she gives in to her anger, becoming a Sith. She is trained and betrayed by Dooku blah blah blah end flashback. She says how she's gonna get revenge on Dooku, and the Nightsisters concoct some weird invisibility potion... or... something... Anyway, Ventress and two other Nightsister warriors use it to become invisible to most. They take a poison dart to dull Dooku's senses and lightsabers to make him think it's a Jedi attack, and set off.

Back at Dooku's house, three big wads of vaguely person-shaped fog- er, Ventress and the Nightsisters, get in undetected with some unnecessary somersaults and flips. Inside, it turns out that Sith, unlike Jedi, are aware of the concept of pajamas, as Dooku sleeps in his bed... without a blanket... Sith don't get cold, I dunno. Ventress uses the Force to stick the dart in Dooku's neck, and as he falls out of bed, he grabs his lightsaber and yanks out the dart. He then utters how he does not need his eyes to see, and he engages the "Jedi" in a lightsaber fight. It's a rather impressive fight, and I always love seeing Dooku's Makashi (Form II) in action because it's a great mix of traditional two-handed lightsaber fighting and fencing. This scene is also good at showing that even drugged, Dooku's a total badass. At the end of the battle, it looks like Ventress is finally going to get her revenge, but Dooku zaps the trio with Force Lightning and tosses them out a window, and they make their escape.

We return to Dathomir where the trio returns to Mother Talzin. They report they have failed, but Mother Talzin sees their infiltration as an opportunity, as Dooku will want to protect himself by finding a replacement for Ventress. The next morning, Talzin contacts Count Dooku, and offers to replace Ventress with a male from their kind- SPOILER- it's a Zabrack Nightbrother, Savage Opress.

And on that, we end the episode with something of a cliffhanger, since the episode doesn't tell us who it is exactly, but we all know Dooku will be training Savage anyway, so who cares.

To conclude!

You'll notice I haven't made fun of this episode a whole lot. Not like the previous ones where I reveled in every dumb joke opportunity I could find. There's a reason for that. This was a GOOD EPISODE. Good? In Season 3? This is madness, you claim! Surely nothing good can come out of the Senatorially Stupid Season 3!

Well, Season 3 Part 2 is on the road to redeeming itself. I'm very glad that this episode didn't just shove a normal Anakin, Obi-Wan, Rex and Ahsoka Adventure on us right from the get-go, since the first two seasons were 80% exactly that. Anakin and Obi-Wan were in the beginning, yes, but they fell by the wayside as plot devices to be used in another episode. It was also nice seeing Ventress' backstory, and although it was butchered a little (She was a Rattataki for the longest time, but was retconned to be a Dathmorian. However, as Baron George Bluecas and his family have shown us, this is not the first time a character's species has been retconned.), it was really for the better. Ventress makes a much better Nightsister than Rattataki anyway, in my opinion. The story also did a really good job of following her original backstory aside from the species change, and she did meet Ky Narec, and she did turn to the Dark Side over his death, so that bit of faithfulness was pretty nice to see. (I just wish they'd saved their faithfulness for Mandalore...) The inclusion of the Nightsisters from The Clone Wars: Jedi Alliance (An action-adventure Star Wars game for the Nintendo DS) was also nice to see, and really added to the dark atmosphere the Clone War is taking. There's evil on the fringes of the galaxy, just waiting for its chance to consume everything. Some serious osik is going down, ner vode. Another nice touch was the new costumes (For Ventress, the revert to her old outfit from the original 2003 cartoon), and the Tri-Fighters. You can tell the war is on its fulcrum here, with the addition of SOME of the new tech from Revenge of the Sith, but you can see not everything is new. (They're still using Jedi Aethersprites instead of Interceptors, Phase I Clone Trooper armor is still in use, etc.) You can tell the war is changing, and I like it.

All in all, a very good episode, a great surprise, and a nice change of pace to a boring Season 3. It has a few flaws, like lack of a couple plot point explanations and a really, REALLY stupid moral, I can't fault it because it really is good. I can't wait until this week's episode, with Savage's reveal, and CLONE COMMANDOS YAAAAAAAYYYY.

Until next time, k'oyaci!

The Clone Wars Review: Pursuit of Peace

Su cuy'gar, everyone! I bet you're wondering why I haven't gotten to Pursuit of Peace until weeks after its debut. Well, I have a very good reason. Aliens from a galaxy known as Southern Maine Community College took out my brains and replaced it with DOS code and algebraic formulas and made me take some tests. I was too smart for 'em, though!

However, the real, non-copout excuse reason is that I've been watching Megas XLR. ALRIGHT?! YOU CAUGHT ME, I'VE BEEN WATCHING BETTER SHOWS THAN THE CLONE WARS. And why shouldn't I? It's one of the best original shows to come out of Cartoon Network, especially compared to today's nonsense like Chowder and those stupid non-cartoon shows on CN these days like Tower Prep or whatever the hell it's called. Dude, if your show's on Cartoon Network and it's not a cartoon, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. Ah, I miss the days when Cartoon Network was awesome, and we had Ed, Edd & Eddy, Megas XLR, and Dexter's Lab running rampant with our brains...

But enough ranting like some retroderp. Back to the subject at hand.

I don't even know about continuity with this show anymore, what with Farr being alive in the season after he was murdered, or why the show is allowed to be this boring. There should be a law that has a specific limit on how many episodes centered around Padme and/or diplomacy per season, that limit being three or four at max. Granted, placed well in a season, these shows can be a good change of pace to show the other side of the war, the diplomatic side, showing the fall of the Republic from the outside and from within. But when we have an ENTIRE HALF SEASON dedicated to it, WE DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH THIS WAR IS COSTING, OR HOW IT'S TAKING A TOLL ON THE CITIZENS OF THE REPUBLIC. I just wanna see Rex kick some clanker shebs, ALRIGHT?! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

Sorry, this show's wearing on my patience, and this episode really makes me not give an osik about Padme or any of the Senators. I just wanna punch them and go watch clone troopers fight. Which I doubt the creators wanted, but hey. Whatever. This is what I have to review, and I AM GOING TO FINISH THIS REVIEW IF IT KILLS ME.

Now allow me to continue SHOUTING AT RANDOM. Which I will probably do a lot throughout this review.


If he could be turned... he would make a powerful SPOILERS!

So, once again, Tom Kane recaps the previous episode, telling us how the banks have now been deregulated, and the Republic will be getting more troops, escalating the fighting which we have yet to actually see any of. We cut to the Senate where everything is pretty much out of control, as the members of the Senate are all high-strung about the attack on Coruscant (Which appears to have done absolutely nothing since power's back everywhere) and about the clone bill and the costs and the *THUNK* Zzzzzzz.

Seriously? I'm as angry as anyone in the Senate, but because I don't care about what's going on. We've heard this a thousand times before, why is it suddenly supposed to be interesting? I don't want to see the Senate paying for clone troopers, I WANNA SEE THE SHABLA CLONE TROOPERS.

I do find it amusing, however, when some of the Senators call Padme a traitor. Pay close attention in that scene. Some of the Senators yelling at Padme will later be seen speaking with her about ending the war in the deleted (but still canon) scene from Revenge of the Sith, concerning the Delegation of the Two Thousand, a movement to open peace talks with the Separatists. HA HA HA man these guys writing this show aren't even paying attention.

So we learn that Mina Bonteri is now dead, and Republic intel notes involvement by Dooku's thugs. Bail Organa and Padme talk about defeating the bill, and Bail talks about how, to do it, he'll need "Ammunition".
"We can't afford ammunition, remember?"

*cue collective groan*

Padme and Farr head to the Banking Clan to discuss interest rates. Turns out they'll be asking for a 25 percent rate, but the real problem with all of this is I don't care. At all. How is this supposed to be entertaining for kids? Interest rates? Banking deregulation? WHO CARES?! JUST GET TO THE FRIGGIN' ACTION ALREADY!

Blah blah blah, Banking Clan is evil, Dooku is powerful, skip this scene. Bail and Padme talk about the bill, and- Y'know what? Whenever the topic is politics, I'm just gonna do this- LOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICS

So the two talk about LOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICS, and we cut to the next scene where Farr is going... somewhere, and is jumped by a Selkath and that weirdo Duck Tales reject from Season 2. Okay yeah, that Selkath being there is pretty awesome. So we cut to Padme talking to some Senators, talking about LOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICS,
and Farr tells Padme about the thugs. Cut to a Coruscanti cantina where WHOABOY, is that Twi'lek poledancing? Sans clothes?

Y'know, for kids!

So Dooku orders the two to off Amidala when we cut to Bail and Amidala LOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICS
and Padme convinces Bail to speak out against the bill.

Y'know, I can't remember exactly when, but when my friend Screech and I were watching this, we ended up getting into a discussion about how if  Padme and Bail weren't married to other people (thus making Padme a gratuitous plot point for Episode III), the two would have made a perfect couple, then we got into how an affair between the two would have made for a really amusing plot point for this show. We weren't even paying attention to the show at this point.

So Padme and Farr are dropped off at a Quarren's residence, where said Quarren appears to keep the Wisps from Sonic Colors as pets in a fishtank. (Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?) They talk about how the clones are/aren't people, and more about LOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICS
Farr and Padme part and Padme leaves to roam the streets alone like a FREAKING IDIOT, considering she's being TARGETED BY DOOKU'S THUGS. The Selkath and the duck fish dude get the jump on Padme, natch. Two droids attempt to apprehend the pair, but they get shot down.

See, if the Coruscant Guard were here doing their jobs, this wouldn't be happening. Padme's an idiot.

So when Padme doesn't see her driver she hijacks a speeder bike and we get a somewhat creative but mostly boring speeder chase through Coruscant. In lieu of trying to explain this scene, I'm going to stop paying attention to the episode and watch this instead.



So Padme is caught by the CSF. Later, Padme is being attended to by one of her aides, and Padme eventually asks about how the war is getting worse for her family. The next morning in the hangar, the two thugs try to off Bail, but end up failing again. Bail is taken out temporarily, and it falls on Padme's shoulders to give the speech. But OHNOES, PADME SUDDENLY DOES NOT HAVE CONFIDENCE ANYMORE. Padme's aide then gives her a boost of confidence in the form of her headdress that looks like her hair (WAIT A SECOND, I thought that WAS her hair in the headdress, now it's a hat wig thing?!) Anyway, we cut to the Senate where Padme gives a rousing speech, but all I hear is LOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICS
 I don't care.

I don't care.

I watch this show to see clone troopers fight valiantly to save the Republic, not LOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICSLOLMONEYLOLSENATELOLPOLITICS.

Nobody cares. Does anybody care? Probably not, because this is NOT INTERESTING. Yes, your Senate set is very pretty, Filoni. We're sick of looking at it, can we PLEASE go to new worlds and see war now? Thank you.

Anyway, after the speech, we get the only real payoff this craptastic half-season has led up to. We cut to Chancellor Palpatine's office, where Palpatine is actually acting evil. This is actually somewhat remarkable, since we really haven't seen a whole lot of this in this show- Sure, we've seen little shades of Sidious and we've seen him in his robes on hologram, but have we ever seen him really acting evil in office? Not so much. Him and Mas talk about how they need to let the wheels of democracy turn, and then, on that note, we end the episode HOLD ON A SECOND THERE. NO, DON'T ROLL THE CREDITS, DON'T SLAP ME WITH THE THEME SONG, I WANTED TO SEE MORE OF THAT! I WANTED TO SEE MORE EVIL PALPATINE!! WHAT THE HELL?!

*sigh* I am SO sick of this drudgery. You, sitting there in your comfy computer chairs, probably think I have a blast watching Star Wars and making fun of it, and... you're probably right. Making fun of it is amusing. But this kind of episode, this kind of boring drudgery, seeing the magic and the fun just sapped out of something I've held dear since my childhood... It pains me, dear reader, it hurts to watch Star Wars fall so far that it's turned into such a terrible show. However, the next half of Season 3 holds promise, with Savage Opress, the Nightsisters, Republic Commandos, and Ahsoka turning to the Dark Side. The Clone Wars won't be returning until next year, let's hope the break does some good in getting the show some better writers. However, I won't bid farewell, as I have plans- I'll either probably end up doing another MSOSW segment or review the first story arc of Transformers: Prime- a show which genuinely surprised me with how good it is, as opposed to this, which surprised me with how boring it's gotten. How sad.

Anyway, if I don't post this week, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hannukah, Happy Life Day, and, to all my Mando'a vode, K'oyaci! God bless us, every one.

The Clone Wars Review: Heroes on Both Sides

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Star Wars: The Clone Wars review!

Honestly, I can only talk about how awful this season is so many times before it gets stale, so I'm just gonna talk about the episode. For an episode entitled "Heroes on Both Sides", I was expecting a heck of a lot more action. Nobody does anything particularly heroic, we don't really see that there are any "heroes" on the Separatist side, and we know of the heroes of the Republic only because they've been previously established as heroes. Kinda false advertising, if you ask me.

And kudos to the writers for asking the questions we've been wanting since Season 2 (Are we doing the right thing? Are we doing it for the right reasons? Who is it, exactly, that we're fighting?), but better late than never, I guess. (Personally, I've been asking questions of this show like "Where are the Coruscant Guard" and "Why did Lucas and Filoni let such ineffectual writers work with this show", but haven't gotten any answers.) Although considering this episode apparently takes place in the middle/towards the end of the war, I guess now is as good a time as any. The jist of the Clone Wars is essentially the Jedi enter a war, and as it drags on, they begin to question the how and who and why, but when they finally discover the answer, it's too late. I suppose the first two seasons are essentially supposed to be that beginning period where the war has just begun, and most of the Jedi haven't begun to question the motives or consider alternatives, as Palpatine so deftly pulls the strings of his galactic puppet show, leading the Republic to its downfall. And, considering that Lucas and Filoni talk of more seasons (As in, plural, so we're at least getting a season 4 and a season 5, and perhaps a 6.), I guess now is a good time to establish changes in the war, from facing a clear-cut evil to a mysterious enemy among the Jedi, as the Dark Side continues to take its hold on the galaxy.

But... it's just NOT VERY INTERESTING. I am truly sick of all these diplomatic missions, just get to the friggin' action already! With the way I just described it, you'd think this "turning point", the fulcrum of the lever that is the Clone War, where lines blur and black and white become hues of grey, would be a little more epic! On a grander scale, with more war! It's not! It's boring! There are huge plot points happening here, and nobody's paying attention because it's JUST NOT INTERESTING!

Here's how I think this episode SHOULD have played out:
(Note: It's been established that not all Seppie fighters are droids. The books and comics and even the 2003 cartoon detail more warriors than just droids, a good example being the Quarren Isolation League who fought in the Battle of Mon Calamari.)
During a battle on a Separatist planet, Ahsoka, a Separatist commander, a few Seppie foot soldiers and a small group of clone troopers get trapped in a network of caves miles beneath either of their bases. When they all come to, the clones and soldiers start fighting, but Ahsoka realizes that the only way they will get out of this situation alive is if they work together. While they try and find a way out, Ahsoka and the commander talk about their factions' different points of view, and the clones talk to the soldiers about similar topics. At first, the two groups hate each other, but they soon agree to disagree and eventually become friendly with each other, at one point the Commander saving Ahsoka's neck (Somehow.) Eventually, they find a way out. Ahsoka is able to convince the commander to surrender because the Republic has greater numbers and firepower, and the two part. Here, this could go one of two ways: Either the commander could say that he'd fight to the bitter end for his planet's freedom, but he admits that he does not want to fight against his newfound friend. Or, the commander returns to his base and orders a cease-fire. This can either end with the planet deciding to remain neutral, or the commander being killed by Dooku for his failure. Or both. This idea can be tweaked and messed with how you like, but whatever way you slice it, it'd be a heck of a lot more interesting than THIS.

Alternately, you could have a situation where a clone trooper/officer (Rex would be a really good candidate for this) and a member of Death Watch are stranded on a planet/moon during a space battle. Same situation, they have to work together to survive, but they talk about Mandalorian heritage and virtues, exchange a few Mando'a swearwords, and realize that they're fighting for very similar ideals, and their only real difference is the faction they swear loyalty to. Again, they eventually get off the planet/moon, go home, but remain friends of an enemy. (Alternately, if it ends up not being Rex, the trooper could defect and join Death Watch, setting up some REALLY interesting episodes later when Death Watch fights the trooper's old squad.)

Man, I should write for the Clone Wars show. Who writes this garbage? I should replace them.

Anyway, for the time being, all I can write is reviews of ridicule, and that's exactly what I am going to do for the time being. So let's dive right in to Heroes on Both Sides!

Search your feelings, you know it to be SPOILERS!

So Tom Kane sets up the episode by showing us how the war seems to have no end in sight, and that clones are suffering casualties in the war, but instead of watching cool things like THAT, we are taken to an emergency session of the Senate to "determine the true cost of the war". Again, I'm getting a distinct feeling of cocktease from this, because with this opening narration, the show is basically saying to us, the viewers "There's a huge war going on with action and violence and death and plot, but we're not going to show you that. Instead, have the same exact session of the Senate we've rehashed a hundred times in this show about how the war is costly and/or wrong!"

The Senate session this time is, again, about a bill to create more clone troopers for the GAR. Normally, I would hate this kind of rehashing of plot points, but then I sit back and think- Bills and proposals in our government many times take weeks, months, sometimes years to get through. In these years, the bill/proposal in question is brought before our own Congress and President (Or local government, depending on what the bill/proposal is designed to affect) a number of times if it does not succeed the first time. So far, the bill to create more clone troopers has yet to succeed, so it only makes sense that supporters of it are trying to get it to pass.

So the villains in the Senate (Such as the Trade Federation reps and the Kaminoan rep) are trying to push the bill, when Padme steps in and says it's not a good idea. Since apparently the Seppies can't be negotiated with, we get another chant of "vote now, vote now" before Bail steps in and suggests tabling the bill. Which is exactly what happens. After the session, a Muun (Banking Clan) rep and a Nemoidian (Trade Fed) rep convene with a representative of an unnamed planet (He's a minor character, so it doesn't matter where he's from), determining that Padme Amidala is the problem, being one of the few voices of reason in the Senate. Unnamed rep offers to hire someone to deal with her, but the Nemoidian turns him down, saying that doing so is more difficult than he might realize. (Haha, Episode II reference.) Then the Muun and Nemoidian have an interesting bit of dialogue I'd like to share with you.

Muun: "Gentlemen, the Banking Clan and the Trade Federation are about business, not violence."
Nemoidian: "In this case, our business IS violence."
Muun: "Precisely."

I just find it interesting that the Muun says one thing, the Nemoidian more or less contradicts him, and the Muun agrees with him.

The two then determine that perhaps it is time for some "unexpected bloodshed" on Coruscant, citing the planet's false sense of security and that, were the planet attacked, the Republic would fall to pieces. When we cut back to the Senate, Padme is talking to Anakin, who is sporting a new look. Personally, I dig Anakin's new style, it's got more conventional Jedi robes (Which we don't see Jedi in anymore), and Anakin's grown his hair out a bit, which harkens closer to his style in Episode III. Following them is Ahsoka TanWHOABOY, did SHE grow up fast. Ahsoka's sporting a new look as well, with slightly taller montrals and longer head-tails, showing that she is, in fact, growing up a bit. But then this sort of brings up the issue of timeline; when does this all take place, and how is it, in such a short period of time, that Ahsoka grows three inches and a bra size or two?

Now, before you all jump on me, rabidly yelling "AAARGH TIMELINE SCREWUP FILONI SUCKS", let's think about this rationally for a few minutes, 'cuz hey, maybe there's an answer to this mess.

However! To understand anything relating to the passage of time in Star Wars: The Clone Wars, you must first understand the timeline in which this series takes place, and how events fit into this three-year period. So if you haven't already, I highly recommend you read my Making Sense of Star Wars: Timeline of The Clone Wars segment, as I will be using terminology (I.E, Early War, Year 3, etc) from that post and essentially be assuming that you read that segment, so don't come crying to me if THIS explanation makes no sense if you didn't read the Timeline segment first.

If you were too stupid to figure out that the underlined title above was a hyperlink, click here to go to Making Sense of Star Wars: Timeline of The Clone Wars.

Now, concerning Ahsoka's age...
It's been established by a number of canon sources that Ahsoka is fourteen years old by the time Anakin takes her as his padawan learner. (George Lucas said once that she was eleven when the series begins, but we all know he's slowly growing senile from all the Star Wars he's been involved with over the years.) Now, the Clone Wars span three years, as discussed in MSoSW:TotCW. Assuming she's fourteen in the film, she very well could have turned fifteen in Season 1, as early as the first or second episode (Who knows, maybe she became a Padawan right before her birthday) during the beginning/middle of the Early War year, then turned sixteen in the beginning/middle of the Mid Year war. This does raise the question of why nobody has noted that she's grown older, but to be fair, I don't think anyone has ever had a formal "birthday", per se, in Star Wars. So, by that logic, Ahsoka, with her new outfit, montrals, bust and all, is now sixteen in this episode. This does leave us with a small time gap placed before the events of this episode, given that nobody grows that much overnight, but that's fairly negligible for the purposes of this writing.

Anyway! Getting back to the episode!

The three talk about how peace is the right way, Jedi need to look for peaceful solutions, Anakin argues that politics isn't his role. When Ahsoka brings up advising the Chancellor, Anakin hastily suggests that Padme teach Ahsoka about politics. In a previous review, I had mentioned that political allegory really doesn't have much place in Star Wars, but Ahsoka said something that I honestly think rings true in our own world, and our own wars.

"Truthfully, I don't understand any of it. I know the Separatists are evil, but all anyone argued about was banking deregulation, interest rates and, well... Almost NOTHING about why we're fighting in the first place."

Anakin's response is, in my opinion, rather fitting, and fits with his character, which keeps the political undertones firmly grounded in Star Wars fiction instead of the episode becoming a watered-down attack on our own government. However, I can't help but wonder how many people on our side of the wars we fight actually share his view.

"War's complicated, Ahsoka. Let me simplify it. The Separatists believe the Republic is corrupt... but they're wrong... and we have to restore order."

I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that, but honestly, it makes sense that that's what he believes. Padme thanks Anakin for his help and leaves, taking Ahsoka with her, saying she's going to teach her about politics.

Oh good, so we're going to focus on Anakin and the 501st again? HAH.  HIGHLY unlikely.

We cut to Dooku talking to Grievous on his flagship, about the Senate. Y'know, 'cuz Grievous is such a political being. They talk mysteriously about some mission Grievous is going to enact, before we cut back to Padme's apartment, where the two are talking about how talking with the Seppies is illegal, and how it's a shame the Jedi can hold "aggressive negotiations", but peaceful ones can't prevail. The two devise a plan to visit Padme's Seppie friend via smuggling Padme behind enemy lines. Ahsoka then has an interesting line of dialogue, saying that Padme and Anakin have more in common than they think, and it's no wonder they get along so well. Padme just shrugs it off. I find it amusing that Ahsoka hasn't read any more into their relationship, at the very least coming to the conclusion that they at least like each other. For such an intuitive (sometimes) padawan, Ahsoka can be pretty dense sometimes.

Cut back to Grievous, where he plans to deploy the "Infiltrators", droids designed to infiltrate (natch) the most secure places on Coruscant. But what will these villainous creations do?

We won't find out at the moment, because Ahsoka and Padme are on their way to Raxus! Their ship lands, with the idiot droids not noticing the Togruta and Senator among the passengers. The two meet up with Padme's friend, Mina Bonteri, a Separatist senator. (Huh. Didn't know THOSE existed.)

Actually, for all the bashing I do on this season, this episode does bring up a few interesting plot points and answers some questions; specifically, how Dooku and Palpatine keep the Seppies under their thumb, and why the Republic doesn't attempt peace talks with the individual planets. Reason being, they have a setup that isn't so different from the Republic, with a Senate and whatnot, but the man in charge still calls the shots. Doesn't make up for the complete lack of any kind of action, but it's nice to have some clarification.

Mina warmly greets the pair, and takes them to her home. I actually kind of like Mina, as she kind of strikes me as the kindly grandmotherly type, which does show a different side of the Separatists. The side that is still human, not necessarily evil, the side that really does believe that the Republic is corrupt, but aren't all bad guys. We're introduced to her well-dressed son Lux, who doesn't appear to be much older than Ahsoka. Amusingly, Ahsoka isn't fond of Lux, giving him a strong glower when he tries to take her bag.

When they go inside, Ahsoka makes a blunt comment about the Seppies being responsible for the war, but Mina brings up a good point- The Separatists feel the same way about the Republic, that it's corrupt, and not doing the right thing. Mina mentions how clones killed her husband, and Ahsoka sees herself out.

Way to make everyone feel awkward, Ahsoka.

Back on Corsucant, the "cleaning droids" arrive, much to the pleasure of the Coruscant GuaWAAAAIT A MINUTE.

I refer you to my review of the episode "Assassin"  for my full reaction. However, Filoni, I'm still VERY sour that you insist on relegating these awesome characters to mere cameo appearances. I DO NOT APPROVE.

Back on Raxus, Lux strikes up a conversation with Ahsoka. He mentions that Ahsoka is a Jedi, and that he used to be told that Jedi were good, but now that the war has begun, he doesn't know if that's the case. Ahsoka responds by asking if she's the first Jedi he's met, saying "Look at me. Not so bad, am I?" To which Lux gives her elevator eyes (And giving the audience a good look at her new outfit), responding "No, not bad at all." Ahsoka rolls her eyes, annoyed, saying that, whether they're Republic or Seppie, boys will be boys.

Hun, you just came back from your last episode significantly sexed-up. You basically stood there, posed, and ASKED him to get a good look at you. What were you expecting, a friendly handshake?

Lux turns around and asks her how many Seppies she's met. She admits that, aside from military officers, she hasn't met any. Lux amusingly asks her if he's "so bad", to which she respondsOHWAIT jump cut to Padme and Mina.

Padme "senses Dooku's dirty hand in all of this", to which Mina responds that he only leads the Senate, not the entire universe.

OH lady if only you knew who DID lead the entire universe.

The two talk about how they agree how the war needs to stop, and Padme tells Mina of her plight. Interestingly, the Separatists are in a similar situation. Padme advises that Mina suggest peace talks with the Republic, and Mina agrees. Padme sees Lux and Ahsoka outside, talking, and Mina and her old friend toast to peace, and to hope.

Lux/Ahsoka. I can just sense the horrible, horrible fanfiction being written at this very moment.

Actually, bad fanfic aside, this would be a very interesting plot point, if Ahsoka and Lux fell in love. Screw Romeo and Juliet, we've got a GALACTIC CIVIL WAR going on, that oughta step things up a bit for a romantic subplot.

Later, at the Separatist Senate, Mina is suggesting peace negotiations, but is met with strong resistance. Dooku mentions that they need to vote for anything to happen, and when the votes are counted, it seems the ayes have it- Time to open peace negotiations with the Republic and end this war!

Wait, what?

Back on Coruscant, The Banking Clan and Trade Federation are planning their attack, and on Raxus, Ahsoka and Padme finally depart for home. Ahsoka and Lux say goodbye, hinting that Lux has a thing for Ahsoka.

Back on Coruscant, the Infiltrators are doing their job. Grievous orders them to initiate Phase II of the plan, and the droids converge to a single point after a commercial break. The droids drive up to get past the security check, headed by Commander FoxHEEEEY WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY IS HE NOT SHOOTING THINGS, HE'S FOX, HE SHOULD BE CATCHING CRIMINALS AND BOUNTY HUNTERS, NOT STANDING AROUND AT SOME CLEARANCE POINT. UNCOOL, FILONI.

The droids, with fake work orders authentic enough to fool the Commander, get past the security check. Fox doesn't even catch that the droids, programmed for "generator maintenance", are going the wrong way.

Why, Fox...? Why didn't you catch that..?

DAMMIT FOX YOU WERE AWESOME ONCE, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN DRAGGED DOWN SO FAR

*muffled crying*

Anyway, in Palpatine's office, Palpatine is sporting a new robe. They talk about the peace vote, and Palpatine mentally puts Bonteri on his hit list, saying that he'll put the vote on the floor. Down in the generators, the Infiltrator droids kick some serious ass and kill the entire maintenance crew and, while the vote begins to go through, the Infiltrators set themselves up on the generators and detonate, which cuts power across all Coruscant. DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN, CUE THE OMINOUS RED LIGHTS ON BACKUP POWER.

Without power, Coruscant is thrown into chaos. Palpatine ends up deregulating the banks, and Padme returns Ahsoka to Anakin like a borrowed Pokemon. Anakin chastises her for going to Raxus to meet with Bonteri, saying that the Republic has eyes and ears everywhere and that her trip was dangerous and illegal, saying she'd gone too far. Ahsoka says that Anakin would do the same, but Anakin says she's gone too far. We end with Ahsoka mentioning that the politics of the war aren't as black and white as she once thought, and on that, we roll the credits!

Okay, so, admittedly, this wasn't a bad episode. In truth, I would go so far as to say it was GOOD, but... It's ill timed. If the Lucasfilm team honestly wanted to sell this episode, they would have put it in the middle of episodes centering on the goddamn CLONE WARS. Heck, we don't even know what's HAPPENING in these galaxy-ravaging conflicts anymore, other than what the Senate has to say, and they're all idiots! Can we PLEASE be done with the filler and get back to the actual war? PLEASE? Yes, this episode brought up some interesting plot points/plot devices, but it just wasn't that interesting. And it's on the tail end of uninteresting filler. The only clones that showed up were just STANDING AROUND. For it to be a "Clone War", you need both clones AND war. Take either one of them away and it's not the CLONE WARS anymore.

All we're asking for is Star Wars. That's all we want, Lucasfilm.

Until next time, k'oyaci!

The Clone Wars: Corruption Review

Su cuy'gar, everyone! And welcome to- OW.

Ow! Sorry, I- OW.

Star Wars, you are HURTING ME. This episode was so awful that it is physically hurting me.

Okay, okay, sorry. But cut me some slack, this episode was BAD. I mean... REALLY REALLY... BAD.

I really don't want to review this one because it means I have to watch it again, but... I gotta take the good with the bad. So, let's nosedive right into this starcruiser-wreck of an episode.

You are free to use any means necessary, but I want them alive. No desintiSPOILERS!

So we begin the episode learning that Mandalore is in trouble because there is little in the way of supplies other than the black market. Padme Amidala is making a diplomatic trip to Mandalore for her new BFF, Satine (Hi, when did that happen). So Satine and Padme talk about politics, Satine greets Padme in a "traditional Mandalorian welcome" (And no, it is NOT a swift kick in the teeth like it WOULD have been if Vizsla were in charge). Okay, so I can accept that this is dumb, but Satine then goes on to say "We are a people of tradition".

NO.

NO YOU ARE NOT.

Your government was established less than a MONTH ago you have NO TRADITION GOING ON.

(On a side note, when Satine and Padme are riding through the tunnel, on the walls you can see the six-sided shape found on the chest of the four-part Mandalorian chest armor. Nice touch.)

So, we cut to the loading docks where some rejected Egyptian god lizards are unloading what I can only assume is the Mandalorian equivalent of Mountain Dew, when the customs official (or something) says that his schedule doesn't call for any Mountain Dew, but one of the lizards bribes him into overlooking it.

OHMIGOD HE TOOK A BRIBE MANDALORE IS EEEVIL

Seriously, if the Death Watch was in charge we wouldn't have to deal with osik like this.
Anyway, back in Satine's council chamber, where Satine's right-hand man is having trouble keeping the... I dunno, I guess she has a ruling council now, under control. Padme steps in and says some words, but gets shut down because the Republic is more corrupt with Mandalore. (Pfft.) They argue some more, Satine shuts them up, meeting's over.
Back to the lizards at the warehouse! Here, they're making... bottled tea, and the lizard leader mixes some toxic dilluding agent with tea ingredients to make twice the tea at twice the profit (Or something like that.), but it's only toxic if the mixture is wrong. 

Rrrright.

Cut to Satine and Padme at dinner and- PFFT Bahahahahaaaahh what the hell are they wearing hahahahahaaaahhh

(This shot wasn't taken of them actually at dinner, but it has both of them in one shot and oh my god her hat, that is so DUMB LOOKING bahahaaah)

Anyway, the next day they go to a hospital where there's, like, a million sick, poisoned children (More like less than a hundred, since they all came from the same school) and Satine and Padme decide to investigate.

 So it turns out that they deduce that the tea is tainted, so they go to test it in... the school has a poison test lab, I guess. Anyway, Satine monologues about corruption but all I can think about is how her hair is bouncier than it was in Season 2. Anyway, they deduce that it IS the tea that's poisoned, so they head to the docks to check the logs- and GASP AND SHOCK the tea isn't there. So the totally-not-suspicious superintendant tries to flee, but is captured. Satine threatens him to talk (Man, for a pacafist she sure can condone violence when it's convenient.) He makes the excuse that the school's budget was too low (And I chuckle because of the Wiscasset budget issue, anyone who lives where I do will understand why I find this funny) So he says he dealt with a middle man who they meet up with and get more information. So they head to the dock where a shipment is coming in of poison Mountain Dew. The customs official shows up again for his "inspection" but turns a blind eye for a few credit chips.

EEEVIL GREEDY MANDALORIANS.

Again, Death Watch should have been in charge 'cuz it's pretty obvious Satine does not know what she's doing.

So the captain of the police or something heads down to the docks with them where some guards are guarding the warehouse (Very badly, I might add), they get in, undramatic gunfight happens, blah blah blah. Everyone is arrested, and Satine orders the warehouse burned down for no good reason other than she's pissed off, despite the fact that there might be evidence in there that could tell them how far the corruption is spread. (Boy, for a pacafist she sure can condone wanton destruction when she's annoyed.) So they head to the prime minister who decides to investigate, and Satine goes to see Padme off, suggesting an undercover Jedi could perhaps be of some use, in, and I quote, "more ways than one".

If it's Obi-Wan, I can guess what "more ways than one" would be.

And by more ways than one I mean in BED.

Too subtle? Well, whatever.
Padme says she'll talk to Master yoda, she leaves, Satine smiles and walks off, roll the credits. Whoo, what a rush!
So, how does it hold up?

IT DOESN'T. This episode really fell flat. It was stupid, unnecessary, pointless, not gripping at all, and devoid of any action or anything interesting while trodding all over established canon all over again. Satine pisses me off to the nth degree, and I hope Vizsla shows up sometime this season to shoot her in the face, and soon. Aside from the political allegory (Which you should keep out of Star Wars anyway), this story had NO significance AT ALL to ANYTHING. I mean, really, all I can think about while watching this episode is that, across the galaxy, clones and Jedi are fighting and dying and THIS is the crap we get to slog through while that's going on? Really? Last time I checked, this show was called, oh, I don't know... The CLONE WARS?! Dave Filoni, you have failed me for the last time.

I really was expecting more from Season 3. And the next episode doesn't look like it'll be any better, where Ahsoka shows up to whip some pansy New Mando kids into shape or something, but I'm not looking forward to this one either.

DEATH WATCH WHERE ARE YOU.

*sigh* Until next time, k'oyaci.

The Clone Wars Review: Sphere of Influence

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Star Wars: The Clone Wars review.

I'll be honest, I'm late on this one for two reasons- One, it's been a busy week, two, I don't like this episode. I've honestly been trying to avoid reviewing this one because... really, it's kind of boring. This is one of those "Senate episodes" I tend to avoid if watching a season retroactively. But look at the bright side... Greedo's in it! In any case, this review won't write itself, let's dive right in.

Echo base, this is Rogue Two. I found SPOILERS!

Apparently Dooku's strategy for dominating the galaxy is "If at first you don't succeed, try it again next Friday night at 9 on Cartoon Network", 'cuz we once again, like last week with Ryloth, have a Separatist blockade around a planet. This time it's Pantora, the Hoth clone planet back in Season 1. Of course, we never go there, this IS a senate episode, after all. Can't have any ACTION or anything. Since the chairman died back in Season 1, a new one has been elected. His name? Baron N. Papanoida, but I like to call him George Bluecas, as, in the movies, the Baron was played by the famed creator of Star Wars. Of course, George does not voice the character (Since his voice can never break out of "Old man remeniscing about Star Wars" mode), but his voice actor does a fine job not sounding like Lucas. Good thing? Probably.

Anyway, skipping past the boring diplomacy stuff, Chairman George Bluecas' daughters are kidnapped. Ahsoka informs Padme and Anakin. Anakin says it's a job for the local athorities, but Padme says that perhaps the police can't do this on their own if the Seppies are involved. Anakin decides to send Ahsoka instead of, oh, I don't know, calling the CORUSCANT GUARD who's supposed to HANDLE STUFF LIKE THIS? Remember Commander Fox? Huh? The red clone troopers? Senate security troopers? Any of this a-ringin' a bell? Nope, because senate episodes can't have any action, these guys are completely sidelined in favor of one Togruta padawan who hasn't even gotten down mind tricks yet.

Ugh.

Now let me clarify that I don't hate Ahsoka. She's become a much more sympathetic character than the dumb "G!R1 P0W444HH" character she was back in the 2008 flick, and I know we haven't seen much of her in this season. But logically, the first people you should call for a SENATE kidnapping is the Coruscant Guard, also known as Senate Security Troopers. They kicked some serious ass back in the movie, so why not let them do their job? Ah well, PADAWAN DESPARATE FOR SPOTLIGHT COMING THROUGH.
So Ahsoka and Senator Chuchi (also from Season 1) are best friends now (Hi, when did that happen), and they head off to a Trade Federation ship to see if Bluecas' daughters are there (I find it disappointing that Ahsoka does not react to being called a servant girl again, considering she went bonkers about it in the film), while the Baron himself and his son (Who has a name but I swear they pulled Jake Sully from Avatar for his character model and chopped off the braid) decide to investigate closer to home. The police chief (who looks like the scientist from that one Bugs Bunny cartoon and whose voice reminds me more than a bit of Mel Blanc) says there is no foul play after a very careful thorough search for evidence... that missed the out-of-place statue with blood on it that pretty much tells them who the kidnapper is.

Pretty sure the Coruscant Guard wouldn't have missed that. (And no, I am not letting that go.)

So they find out Greedo did it (And got hit on the head before he could shoot first) as Ahsoka and Chuchi land on the Trade Federation battleship and Chuchi makes some comments about Pantora joining the Seppies (Which is all bantha osik) as George Bluecas and Jake Sully go to Tatooine to find Greedo. (Also, note Embo's cameo.) Baron Bluecas decides to hit up some Twi'lek ladies to find Greedo. Cut back to the Trade Federation battleship where Ahsoka and Chuchi are SnooPING AS usual, and pull one too many of the overdramatic "Bad guy is about to spot where they are but at the last second the good guy is somewhere else" trick. Back on Tatooine, the Twi'lek George talked to has found Greedo, who is rolling some dice in what I can only assume is some kind of gambling game, and he decides to "settle things more permanently". Back on the ship (Man, this episode jumps plotlines more than a jumping bean on a jackrabbit on a pogo stick.), Ahsoka and Chuchi decide to hit up the detention block, and Ahsoka iffily attempts a mind trick on the guard and... surprisingly, it works. Back on Tatooine (URGH.) Greedo finds and threatens George Bluecas, saying to dispose of them outside. (On a side note, the effects they use for Rodian's eyes in this show is really cool.) However, turns out George is something of a badass, as he whips out a knife, holds it to Greedo's throat, and says that they're going to talk to Jabba about all this mess.

Cut to the ship (OH MY GOD) where Ahsoka and Chuchi are wandering around the detention block... and it turns out they're being watched. On Tatooine (SERIOUSLY PICK A PLOT LINE AND STICK WITH IT), where we're now talking to Jabba about this, and George Bluecas tells him of his plight, and how Greedo is the kidnapper. He admits to it, and decides to take them to one of the daughters, who is on Tatooine. Back on the ship (no comment) they finally find Chi Eekway very anticlimactically, and she says that they were separated (But we already knew that). Back on Tatooine, Greedo, Jake Sully and George Bluecas walk into a cantina (And no, that's not the start of a bad joke) where Greedo, threatened at gunpoint by Jake, and the chairman's daughter is released- only to start a gunfight by calling him "Father", and revealing their identities. Gunfight happens, George is a badass again, yadda yadda yadda. Moving on. Back on the ship, the kidnapping Nemoidian tries to stop Ahsoka with six SBD's, only to chop them up, making the total times a lightsaber was swung in this episode a grand total of... eight. That and one fifteen-second gunfight is the extent of the action in this episode. So we go to the Senate, the blockade is lifted, more boring diplomacy, blah blah blah roll the credits. I stopped caring about halfway through.

So. How does it stack up?

Granted, I would watch it over, say, a Padme-centric episode (I really hate those) and the fact that Greedo was in it was pretty great. But other than that this episode was just... BORING. And a number of things just made no sense.

CORUSCANT.

GUARD.

That's WHY THEY ARE THERE.

So I can't recommend this episode, really, unless you're a Greedo, Ahsoka or Pantoran fan. Or if you've ever wanted to see Jake Sully and blue George Lucas shoot up some bad guys in a cantina. Now, I might be taking it hard on this episode after, say, ARC Troopers, but really, I expected more from an episode with Greedo in it. (Specifically, a Han Shot First joke.)

Anyways, turns out the next episode takes place on Mandalore. Let's hope and pray some Death Watch hero shoots Satine between the eyes so some sense and justice can be brought to Mandalore once again.

Until next time, k'oyaci!

The Clone Wars Review: Supply Lines

Su cuy'gar, everyone, and welcome to another Clone Army Review. Today, we will be looking at a particularly interesting episode pulled from Season 3- Supply Lines.

You don't know the power of the SPOILERS!

Remember what I said about Season 3 having to be REALLY GOOD to survive an episode with Jar Jar?

Well, turns out that the Force is strong with this one, because Supply Lines gave me quite a shock. In that I was able to survive this episode with Jar Jar in it, somehow. I bet you're dying to know how, too. So, dive right in!

So remember Ryloth? Yeah, when we left it, it was kinda liberated a bit. So why is it warring? 'Cuz this takes place before even the beginning of Season 1- this is a precursor to the episode Ambush, and, somewhat indirectly, the Ryloth Trilogy. (Wow, we're jumping all over the canonical map here, aren't we?) So, during the beginning of the attack on Ryloth, we are introduced to Jedi Master Ima-Gun Di (Say that out loud and I don't even need to tell you what happens to him.) on the planet's surface, trapped with his troops and a handful of Twi'lek freedom fighters (Who happen to inconveniently have their ENTIRE FAMILIES with them [what]) without supplies or ammo and surrounded by droid armies.

Aw man, this is gonna suck, isn't it.

Anyways, on Toydaria, Bail Organa meets Jar Jar Binks to discuss-
*collective groan*
I KNOW I HATE HIM TOO, give him a SMALL chance, guys.
So Jar Jar Binks and Bail Organa walk into the Toydarian throne room (and no, that's not the start of a bad joke) and attempt to convince King Katuunko and his band of Watto clones ministers to help send supplies to Ryloth, but a pair of Nute Gunray cosplayers Trade Federation ambassadors show up and convince him to do nothing. However, the King eventually decides to secretly allow the Republic ships to head to Ryloth, if Bail can keep the Trade Federation from linking Toydaria to the mission.
Meanwhile, back on Ryloth, Master Di and his men are still trapped. Di promises Cham Syndulla, Twi'lek freedom fighter leader, that the Republic will assist them, but they are unable to meet eye to eye. Di then creates a plan to prevent the droids from attacking from two fronts, stalling them until the Twi'leks can get their families out of harm's way Cham feels betrayed, Di comments that war dashes promises to hopes, and prepares for battle, resigning himself and his men to their fate.
As they prepare for the attack, Bail's plan begins to bear fruit- while the senators, King Katuunko and some Toydarians are having a formal dinner, Bail organizes the ships to leave with the supplies while Jar Jar distracts them in a strange manner that I will not describe. However, I will say that Jar Jar does not break everything within a ten foot radius, and the "conceptual gungan art ritual" is actually somewhat amusing because he doesn't totally fail at it.
And the attack begins.
I won't spoil the battle (it's really cool) but... I will say that Jedi Master Ima-Gun Di lives up to his name. It's big and dramatic and I really will miss him. The supplies reach Ryloth, and the King decides to reconsider his planet's neutrality... but that is for another episode. ROLL THE CREDITS.

Say what you will about Jar Jar, but he actually was able to serve up a decent performance here. Ahmed Best I have missed you so very much. But there's so much more to this episode than Jar Jar, and while IGN thought it was rather "busy", I think the ideas are all very well balanced, but I think Di's quest to liberate Ryloth could have been expanded in an episode all its own. In any case, some of the cool things to note about this episode, we finally get to see the infamous blockade runner, famous for being the very first ship ever seen in Star Wars, actually run a blockade after all these years! Master Di overall rocked, with a cool design and an awesome voice. Captain Keeli had REALLY cool armor (And, note, he is the only other Phase I ARC commander to have a rangefinder on his helmet other than Rex). All the troopers shared a great armor design. The battles were big and busy and really fun to watch, and the designs and voices of some of the Toydarians were pretty neat. I like how they expanded on the species of one little Tatooine-residing junk dealer into a species with compassion literally written into their constitution.

So, overall? A very good episode, but I think Season 3 will give us better. After all, ARC Troopers was amazing, so more of that, please! (Also, does it strike anyone else as weird that we haven't seen Mary Sue Ahsoka yet in this season? Oh well, Greedo holds George Lucas at gunpoint in the next episode! If nothing else, this'll be a lot of fun to watch.

Until next time, k'oyaci, everyone!

-Commander Ben